I just love you

There is no explaining why I love you. You think I’ve not tried to forget you? When it was clear she was allowed to hold your hand? When she got to hear your laugh, see your smile? You think I wouldn’t have erased it then, where I capable of such? Of course I would have, if, in that moment I’d had the power, I’d have let it all shift away like sand through fingers, because that fucking hurt..it still hurts, every single time I see you hold her hand.

And yet, I know now that, that moments love wasn’t this love. This love, that I have now, this love is about more. This love is a wiser love, a more mature love. A love that doesn’t explain itself, or feel shame. It just is, it just exists.

I choose to remain. I choose to love you and leave you alone to love or not love as you choose..because loving you is in all that I am. In loving you I feel more deeply the truth of what love really is.

I acknowledge that I have things to learn. I love you still. I will love you even after you have forgotten all about me. I’ll love you until my soul finds rest. Love is about more than loving to receive love back. It’s about loving so deeply that you no longer want just to be loved by that person, it’s about wanting that person to know love, any love..even if it’s not your love.

Each day I wake and compile lists of things I am experiencing. Things I would tell you. Things I think you’d want to know. I laugh, how I laugh, because loving you brings out the gentleness and joy. Loving you makes me more. More aware, more sensitive, more grateful. There is richness now. There is quiet that isn’t silence. I notice things that I wouldn’t have before.

I won’t lie and say I’m not sad. I am deeply sad, my heart longs daily..but it also recognises and appreciates the blessing it is to feel. To love someone is both the greatest gift, and the deepest sorrow. I see things on a different level. We are fragile, so very fragile. Capable of much and understanding soo soo little.

No, I am not sorry. I can’t ever be sorry for seeing with eyes that know. I understand now..that love isn’t just about loving someone..it’s about sending love into the void that is lost from those not loving anyone. My love fights against the lack of love…and that, is the reason I will love you still. If not for love, we would only exist. Love is living. I want to live.

I will never stop loving you,

You are, and have ever been, my favorite person.

Meet Mr Crowley

I’m doing a new writing exercise, whereby I use dialog interlinked with descriptions to give the reader the gist of the person, instead of using descriptive paragraphs by themselves.

Meet Mr Crowley:

Mr Crowely was the type to make you feel oddly uncomfortable in his presence. The kind of man who would reply that “the clouds were ‘extremely incontinent’ today” when asked what the weather was like outside. Some would be uncomfortable because they didn’t know what that complicated word meant, and some, because they did and didn’t find Mr Crowley’s use of wording at all pleasing. As for myself, I’d just respond by say “wet bottoms on those clouds eh?!” Or “So a somewhat shitty day then?” Which would have the delightful effect of making Mr Crowley just as uncomfortable as he made others…even if just for the moment.

Tentative meal plans

I’m going to give trying out some new recipes a go. I am finding my meals a bit repetitious, so I’m going to try making a 7 day meal plan incorporating the new recipes and some old stand-bys.

  • Shredded Chicken Fajitas
  • Taco Salad with a Twist
  • Tortellini Pasta w/ Ham
  • Loaded Baked Potatoes
  • Stovetop Tarragon Chicken and Veggies
  • Grilled Cheese and Tomato Soup
  • Apricot Nectar Iced Tea (Beverage)
  • Caesar Salad

and…now I’m hungry.

I can’t help it, it was funny

I had to post it…I’m sorry, I’m sorry..but I laughed for 5 minutes straight and thought I was legit gonna die. You be the judge:

Art Credit: Instagram user: @chiliktol

Ps. I got the Beer Lucy burger with garlic parm fries delivered from The Crooked Pint and it was AMAZING! ( I know, I know! I missed an opportunity there, but I didn’t want to be too cheesy!)

Recreating KR photos

Found these photos of KR online and decided to recreate them and attempt the same expressions. I mostly failed miserably (the dude’s just got the best expressions!) Gotta admit, that was hella fun! I giggled a lot. The last one failed the most. I was just giggling way too much by then…he’s got that mocking but amused expression I just can’t replicate.

My divine feminine is exhausted

I chose pile 3 (Timestamp 1:16) and I’m not even surprised by what she said. I need to go inward and have felt it for a long while now. I am weary of my journey (11 years will do that), but the confirmation that I am on the right path certainly helps me keep moving forward. Deep breaths. I’m not mad at my divine masculine..he has his own path and struggle to navigate..I just wasn’t sure this work was still leading somewhere. My faith was shaken, but I’m ok now. As I’ve mentioned before, I have never met or interacted with my divine masculine, which frankly makes things a mite more difficult when you consider how hard it is to keep doing my shadow-work without proof of…well, anything really.

Stop, calling me a Boomer, Scooter!

I was born in 1974! Generation X.

According to Wikipedia:

As children in the 1970s and 1980s, a time of shifting societal values, Gen Xers were sometimes called the “latchkey generation”, due to reduced adult supervision compared to previous generations. This was a result of increasing divorce rates and increased maternal participation in the workforce, prior to widespread availability of childcare options outside the home.

What they skip out is the predominance of that generation having been sexually assaulted, molested, and raped at a time when there was NO PROTECTION OR RECOURSE in the law. Kids disappeared right out of their back yards and we were taught that we were responsible for protecting ourselves!

Our parents were messed up! Drugs and alcohol was rampant, Vietnam vets came home with extreme issues and undiagnosed PTSD ( they wouldn’t discover the depth and ramifications of that until many years had passed)

Poverty was at an all-time high and unsupervised kids meant lots of teen pregnancy and a lot of being raised by a television. Domestic abuse was common, as well as, hidden mental disorders and a lack of understanding of the damage done by parents forced to grow up too soon.

I get really frustrated when teens today call people boomers and blame the previous generation for the way the world is today. We may have had tons of entertainment in my generation years, but we lost out in the area of actually being heard. Just because you don’t see our struggles on old programs and in music videos, doesn’t mean we didn’t have any!

I found this article interesting for its take on the whole issue: Why Generation X might be our last hope.

I also like this one: Generation X is a Mess

Daily doings:

Last Sunday was rearrange and clean the living-room day, and this Sunday, was clean the entire kitchen (including the entire stove, refrigerator and microwave) day.

I got a lot done and now my entire flat feels refreshingly cozy. I spent the second part of the day sewing and watching old episodes of NCIS. Sewing truly relaxes me like nothing else can. I really should be asleep.

I have been contemplating trying out a recipe for Chocolate Chip and Toffee Brownies. I don’t have brownie mix on hand so, maybe next week.

I did something kinda dorky. I bought an unconventional Christmas tree for the upcoming holiday. I originally only unpacked it to ensure all bulbs were working properly, but now it’s just soo stinkin nice seeing the lights I’ve gone ahead and left it up. The tree isn’t like a normal plastic Christmas tree..this one has bloom bulbs on the branches, instead of the twinkle light type of bulbs. I’m kinda digging it!