There is no explaining why I love you. You think I’ve not tried to forget you? When it was clear she was allowed to hold your hand? When she got to hear your laugh, see your smile? You think I wouldn’t have erased it then, where I capable of such? Of course I would have, if, in that moment I’d had the power, I’d have let it all shift away like sand through fingers, because that fucking hurt..it still hurts, every single time I see you hold her hand.
And yet, I know now that, that moments love wasn’t this love. This love, that I have now, this love is about more. This love is a wiser love, a more mature love. A love that doesn’t explain itself, or feel shame. It just is, it just exists.
I choose to remain. I choose to love you and leave you alone to love or not love as you choose..because loving you is in all that I am. In loving you I feel more deeply the truth of what love really is.
I acknowledge that I have things to learn. I love you still. I will love you even after you have forgotten all about me. I’ll love you until my soul finds rest. Love is about more than loving to receive love back. It’s about loving so deeply that you no longer want just to be loved by that person, it’s about wanting that person to know love, any love..even if it’s not your love.
Each day I wake and compile lists of things I am experiencing. Things I would tell you. Things I think you’d want to know. I laugh, how I laugh, because loving you brings out the gentleness and joy. Loving you makes me more. More aware, more sensitive, more grateful. There is richness now. There is quiet that isn’t silence. I notice things that I wouldn’t have before.
I won’t lie and say I’m not sad. I am deeply sad, my heart longs daily..but it also recognises and appreciates the blessing it is to feel. To love someone is both the greatest gift, and the deepest sorrow. I see things on a different level. We are fragile, so very fragile. Capable of much and understanding soo soo little.
No, I am not sorry. I can’t ever be sorry for seeing with eyes that know. I understand now..that love isn’t just about loving someone..it’s about sending love into the void that is lost from those not loving anyone. My love fights against the lack of love…and that, is the reason I will love you still. If not for love, we would only exist. Love is living. I want to live.
I will never stop loving you,
You are, and have ever been, my favorite person.