A Soft Place to Rest

This petty:

I got my Sips by box!

Each box contains 4 tea servings from each of 4 companies. This box was themed for Spring!

The teas featured in this box are:

#1 🍓 Strawberry Pomegranate Red by Stash. I have already experienced this company and cannot wait to try this flavor. They are a firm contender in any kitchen teabox! This one claims to be sweet and tart, and can be served hot or cold. Caffeine free

#2 🍑 Peach Blossom Black Tea by Biron Teas. A fruity black tea with rose petals and peach pieces. Also great hot or cold. This one is caffeinated.

#3 Lavender White by Walters Bay

Ceylon White tea with lavender flowers and natural lavender flavour. This tea is grown in Sri Lanka and is said to be good for your heart. What I like about it, is that it’s said to contain a higher concentration of potassium. Seeing as I have a life-long struggle with potassium deficiency as a result of hypoglycemia, it can only do me good to have it on hand. The info card says it has floral notes and offers a subtle sweetness. It also contains caffeine.

#4 Mango Tango by Healthify as an Iced tea offering. I’m a bit disappointed to see this tea contains Stevia, which is the only thing I requested NOT to have in my box of selections.

I tried the Biron Black tea with the peach. It was really nice. I like that it’s sweet enough without sugar, but that adding sugar gives it a bit more fullness. Much enjoyed.

The corset still exists

Only now, it is constructed with words and accepted verbs that flatten against our steel-forged spines,

pressed into our objectified flesh,

accompanied by ever present shortness of breath.

We are, once again struggling, always struggling,

to be free of societies ever judging eye.

In a world that wears its freedom,

we are still fainting from lack of air.

I curse. I curse a lot. Fuck is my favorite word. I curse. I curse but, you know what? I also accept challenges, which is probably the source of 80% of the cursing, inner me is in a constant state of disbelief over what outer me is fucking up to now.

The other 20% is bravado, a sense that, if I just curse loud and long enough, the scary thing will think I’m meaner than I am and leave me alone before I break out quivering and reveal I’m actually a chicken shit!

So, yeah, I curse…but, I also commit to the thing I’m cursing over. As my favorite t-shirt says:

“I won’t give up, but I will curse!”

So, with all due respect, fuck you..I’m too busy challenging myself to become more than I am now, to worry about your sensibilities.

In true honesty, do you believe in yourself?

I do. I didn’t use to, it took a lot of work. I was told many things growing up, most of them non-verbal about my role as a human being and my importance in comparison to others. Sometimes it was the job I worked compared to the importance of another’s job. Sometimes it was my weight in comparison to others weight. I learned that list is endless. There are always too many people better than me…but here’s the thing..that was the wrong viewpoint. I was looking at me from the eyes of others looking in at me, instead of from inside me, looking out at the world.

See, inside me knows things about me, that people looking in can’t see with their eyes..or even, their conversation. They can’t see my humor and how I crack myself up at 2 am thinking strange but slightly hilarious thoughts. They don’t have my integrity that refuses to do less than the right thing even if nobody else is doing it. They can’t see my vulnerability and tenderness that I admit to only when cornered or observed. They don’t see my bravery as I try something I’ve never done before and bitterly regret for the first 30 seconds after I attempt it, only to burst into tears of pride because I fucking attempted it! They don’t see me the way I see me, and because of that, they don’t yet know how much there is to love about me.. but, I do. I know. I know, and because I know I love her fiercely. I defend her against everyone, even friendly fire. I watch her growth and don’t let her run from honest truths. I don’t let her hide or shy away from challenges.. because I know…she’s fucking amazing! She’s done things she never thought she could do, this me..all because she trusts me. I believe in me because I know that me is going to die one day..and she deserves to do so having loved life within an inch of itself.

And, because you knew I would….I give you…

My favorite person!

Fairytales would have you believe that a girl wakes up looking like fresh dew on a very new peach.

but, me?

I look like a 47 year old potato.

I bought a waffle-maker! I announced this to my sister in text. She..with her unending dry wit, congratulated me…(I could practically see the eye roll)

Thing is, I’m not really a cook, I have slowly been learning… I’ve mastered hamburgers without an undercooked middle section and pancakes that aren’t still raw when you go to consume them. Yay me!

I woke up this morning and decided to give it a go. The following text conversation is my amazing sis talking me through operation “Bekki has no idea what’s she’s doing but she’s giving it a go anyhow!”

Follow along with the photos of the ensuing convo and enjoy the journey with me!

This is us:

You will notice her name on my cell is “A Shannon” that’s because I need her to be first on my contacts list.

And that..was us, being us-like.

It’s rare I find really good photos of Shay and I together. So, when I found these on Shay’s wall for National Siblings Day, I couldn’t resist stealing them for myself. These two are definitely destined for the livingroom wall!

Got my Covid shot. I got the single dose and that Motherfucker hurt! Don’t let anyone tell you it doesn’t. I’ve had many shots and that one is particularly bad..not “end-of-the-world” bad, but not as simple as a booster.

I’m probably going to really love my sore arm at work pushing carts tomorrow…NOT.

I did a Mahjong Reading, it was eerily accurate. I’m intrigued.

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“Today” I declared loudly “Is indulgence day!” My cat looked at me in confusion as if to inquire “What the hell is that?” To which I answer. Indulgence day is the day I go off budget and just buy all the food and snacks I’m usually too careful of my budget to purchase.

So, today, in my grocery shopping, I went a bit mad. Want a whole pineapple? Yes, please! Wanna try that new high-end creamery potato pack? Done. Feel like buying steak? Into the cart it goes!

You just need days like this sometimes!

My normal $100 bi- weekly shopping looked a bit more like $170, but damn! It was fun!

I also bought some new dish towels too! Muhahaha!

Have you ever noticed, that there are times when you learn things in the most convoluted and unexpected of ways?

Take Eggy last night. I brush my teeth quite often, but recently swapped out my Colgate Cinnamon flavoured paste for plain old regular peppermint. My cat noticed right away.

How do I know he noticed, you might ask? He was all over me! Like, all up in my grill trying to sniff my mouth. Dude totally lost the meaning of social distancing and went right into creeper territory!

He was purring like mad and practically inhaled my face.

Do they make Mint scented cat toys?

We might need to have a talk about proper boundaries.

I don’t know why, but this comforts me.

This is sooo me. I feel a bit too seen now.

Well, I started AM shift. It was interesting, to say the least. I felt uber weird leaving during the day but, I noticed right away the change in my personality. I’m a morning person, for the most part, but have been working nights for the last 3 years. I definitely was more cheerful and talkative to the customers coming in. In truth, I was getting quite a bit grumpy and non-verbal. I didn’t realize it but, the stress of getting all the carts in each night was getting to me. Hopefully, this will be a lot better… let’s be super honest though, I can tell this job isn’t what I want for me long-term.

Without challenge I become a bit bored and crochety. I have worked my entire life and I just know when it’s time to find something else. Sigh*

I wish I could get into a creative career. Physical work wears your body down over time and I have quite a lot of wear. Like an old tire ( 😂)

I slept in late today. I knew it would happen since I didn’t get proper time to recover on Friday before I had to get up and go back. My place needs cleaning. Oy! I hate a mess!

Eggy is confused as hell! 🤣 Cats love schedules and routine and I’ve gone and changed stuff. He’s really quite annoyed.

My dreams, as usual, were extremely detailed.. like a movie. I really think they could shoot movies in my head.

Start slowly. You can’t mend and repair an entire childhood of hurt in a single week. That shit took time to solidify and will take time to liquify.

Who says you can’t be a mess for awhile? Some of my best healing moments came from telling my angels and guides to (and I quote!) “Fuck off you fucking motherfuckers! I can’t take this shit anymore!” and then crying heaving, gut-wretching tears all over myself.

Being angry enough to scream is exhausting and after you are exhausted, you can’t move..and when you cannot move, you start listening. You are just lying there FINALLY quiet enough to just be still and hear. That small still voice inside you.

And that small still voice…has been waiting, soo fucking patiently..for you to finally stop being an ego and start being a person…a person who wants understanding. Wants that release. That peace and calm that can only come…from being humbly laid before your truths.

I was raw and I was terrified..but I was listening..

My God! I had soo much pain under all that mad! I started very slowly loving me.

That’s all..just standing up for my heart’s needs. Calling myself on every single bullshit lie I told myself. Sorting the excuses from the truly beautiful dreams.

I know you are in pain..but pain is just your heart telling you it needs something.

Pain exists so you know something is wrong..

Once you start the work of listening instead of drowning out your Intuitive voice, you start to heal in the most exquisite ways.

Start slowly..but, for fucks sake, start!

Stop talking. Start listening. Go still…hear your own voice.

The small still voice inside has something to say.

Don’t you think it’s time you listen?