Diary Entry: 12/17/2013


It’s almost time for Z to come. I am a bit nervous. I know with no small amount of certainty, that I will love having her here. I know I will. It is not that part that worries me. It’s the leaving again part.

It is always very hard for me to be separated from Z. It is the most sensitive topic anyone can broach with me, and I am not going into all the details of why’s and what’s here. There are just some topics I consider too private to share, even on a blog that personifies comfort. The main thing is, that I always crash into painful awareness the moment the wonderful time with her is over. I dread it. I know it is coming, but I cannot bear not to see her. I get chided for this aspect of myself. Dreading something that is coming before the good stuff has even happened. Trust me, you would be beating a dead horse. Many friends will tell you this is a common thing they confront me on. The thing is, even knowing I do it, I cannot change my nature. I will dread it, but if people yell at me too much, I will simply dread it privately instead of publicly. My closest friends have accepted and understand this (to the best of their abilities anyway), which is a blessing. They are always there for me.

So, there is that. I love Z so much that I almost turn the opposite way and try not to think of her at all. This is something that I am sure a psychologist would love to pick at and examine closely.  After the holidays I am a basket case. I am assuming this year will be no different. The crash after is kind of pathetic. I may or may not eat a lot of ice cream. Some people gain weight during the holiday. Me, I gain weight after. This is also the most likely time for me to ignore my blog and Facebook wall. So be prepped for total silence for a week or so.

Oh, and did I mention I will get to see my ex husband? Ah…yeah. Um…better to just skip over that. Let’s just say I will be working on my people skills to the point of sainthood. I will be nice, even if it kills me.

I just completed an in-depth Astrology reading for myself. I am always trying to understand myself better. As with all readings, there are parts that made me gasp in shock, for the insight and accuracy and parts that will make me a bit defensive and annoyed, since a lot of stuff is stuff I have worked through and/or disagree with, in the reading. Generally the stuff about me being non-committal or prone to cheating (No way Jose, never gonna happen. I am NO Bexley-McCheater pants!) or somewhat too independent and cold (I am more emotional than a hyper gay man), just sayin. I think some aspects of my chart I have outgrown and matured past, but that’s just my opinion.

Anyway, I only use free chart sites and these two are AMAZING. Highly recommend them.

Cafe Astrology
and my favorite:
Astromatrix (I may or may not have made some “Let’s go into the Matrix” jokes as I did my reading…not tellin)

If you like long-winded reports on other people feel free to peek at mine. It’s on the header as a link. Most of it is accurately me. Some of the harsher aspects, I think, are softened by my quirky personaliy. So, give me the benefit of the doubt on some of the harsher bits if you please.

So, that’s me today. How are you?

(Ps. I laughed quite a lot last time I posted a Diary entry..because I realized after 2 days that it actually said Dairy Entry. For those of you who noticed. HAR HAR HAR. veery funny dyslexia.

Published by Bexley Benton. (Pen name)

I am B (call me BB and I will gut you) I like daisies, books, and men who understand the wisdom of Kermit the Frog.

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