Diary Entry: 01/04/2014

I have been contemplating my life. It is never any easy or tidy thing. You fling things out of dark corners you forgot you shoved there, many moons ago, for dealing with later. Only, later never came, and there it sits, waiting like a cross child for you to DEAL with it finally, cause, there are no new places to hide this issue. It either goes back in the corner you just took it from, which is cowardly and so not like you, or into the light, where things are always less mysterious and classy, and generally become awkward  as you start to notice the cracks and less than pristine surfaces and places that the glitter just didn’t cover properly (what were you trying to hide with that much glitter anyway you freak?), and let’s be honest, it probably looked a lot more interesting before you left it there all that time ago, only you have grown into your blue jeans more comfortably now and the universe has decided it’s really past due to look at it and see that there were issues your new eyes will spot now. Issues, you need to spot. Growing up time has come again. Damn it!

If you choose to put your issue back into that same dark corner, there will be consequences. Be certain that placing that thing back into the dark corner is going to cost you something painfully needed, like your integrity or your sense of self worth. Ignoring the truth generally always does. You came upon it at this time because it is the proper moment for seeing it truly. It may freak you out and make you want to screech like ET with your hands inelegantly over your head, but it is exactly where it needed to be, exactly when it needed to be there. Damn it!

I have a person inside me that I need to forgive for not being more than a simple person. She makes mistakes and sometimes doesn’t notice she is being a dick sometimes. Oblivious to the patterns that have become a coping mechanism instead of a solution. Unable to accept that she is not perfect. Not perfect. Not perfect. You are a dweebish person who means well, but you are not perfect. You sometimes eat to much, ignore people you should notice,  are way, way, WAY too sensitive to any criticism and really, really, (rrrreeeeeeaaaalllyyy) need to put on the grow up pants when it comes to accepting that shit happens you don’t want to happen and GET OUT FROM UNDER THE BED ALREADY, YOU ARE SCARED OF SPIDERS ANYWAY!  Sigh* (I am pretty much yelling at myself at this point) Damn it!

I have shortcomings I would like to forget exist. Ok, saying I’d like to forget is too polite. I would like to hack it’s limbs off with a really big jackhammer and bury it in the deepest tar pit in existence, but the thing is, these shortcomings, well..they are me too. Damn it. I need to accept me as I am. I need to change my pattern, so I can build a stronger one. One that reflects the me I want to see, instead of the me I am desperately trying to pretend is there. People are not stupid anyway, the only person seeing that fakery as real is me..and well..I am not really fooled either. Damn it!

I need to accept criticism of my work. I need to accept that my immediate reaction when told anything critical is to go on the defensive (Independence is not always good for you when it means you build really big walls) I need a work around for this habit. I cannot change that the reaction is there, but I can change the knowledge that I am reacting. My new mantra is “I will try again tomorrow!” This gives permission to make a mistake. This gives permission to admit I need to try again. This gives permission to admit I am probably going to screw up before I get it right. Cause, what takes years too create, takes just as long to overcome, but I am going to do it, because I am worth the work. Damn it!

Published by B

I am B (call me BB and I will gut you) I like daisies, books, and men who understand the wisdom of Kermit the Frog. I refer to my favorite person as TMW5T Why? because if he had 6 I'd call him TMW6T, duh!!

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