It’s Christmas-time again. The older I get the more often I find myself muttering “Already?” at each new milestone that passes. Already Christmas-time again? Already?
On January 3rd I will visit England again. This will be my 6th visit. I don’t know if it is because of the many times I have done this, or the changes inside me, but this feels a little more mature in feeling than the giddy impatience of last year. I am just as happy, but more pensive. My fears are starting to overwhelm. I have question marks dotting each thought I give to it.
I just feel old, if I am honest. I will be 41 January 12th. Plenty of people older than me, I know..but I am experiencing my own age and want suddenly to give it proper respect. Why lie? I feel my age. I long for things I pretend I am not missing. I can’t think overlong on love, it just leads to sad corners that have no doorways or windows. I know corners much too well, from my youth hiding in them. Corners have their place. Mine were the arms I needed as a child, when real ones did not manifest like magic stories. So, I know corners are out this time. Better to just get on with it and walk my path more quietly. Hopefully, I will see things looking at my feet, that I never noticed while staring at the sun and stars.
Even sadness has value.