12/05/2014 Diary Entry


It’s Christmas-time again. The older I get the more often I find myself muttering “Already?” at each new milestone that passes. Already Christmas-time again? Already?

On January 3rd I will visit England again. This will be my 6th visit. I don’t know if it is because of the many times I have done this, or the changes inside me, but this feels a little more mature in feeling than the giddy impatience of last year. I am just as happy, but more pensive. My fears are starting to overwhelm. I have question marks dotting each thought I give to it.

I just feel old, if I am honest. I will be 41 January 12th. Plenty of people older than me, I know..but I am experiencing my own age and want suddenly to give it proper respect. Why lie? I feel my age. I long for things I pretend I am not missing. I can’t think overlong on love, it just leads to sad corners that have no doorways or windows. I know corners much too well, from my youth hiding in them. Corners have their place. Mine were the arms I needed as a child,  when real ones did not manifest like magic stories. So, I know corners are out this time. Better to just get on with it and walk my path more quietly. Hopefully, I will see things looking at my feet, that I never noticed while staring at the sun and stars.

Even sadness has value.

Published by B

I am B (call me BB and I will gut you) I like daisies, books, and men who understand the wisdom of Kermit the Frog. I refer to my favorite person as TMW5T Why? because if he had 6 I'd call him TMW6T, duh!!

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