I was trolling the web, as I do, and happened upon an archaic article toting about “How to entice the perfect man into your life” and “How to make yourself irresistible to men” I am certain that men have similar sites that come up. The thing is, most people do not have a second voice in their head. I kinda do, and she talks a lot. So, saw the article and the “voice” and I had a mulling conversation in which she argued vemenantly that I should create my own list of what makes a man perfect, with my own personal twist. The twist is, that I know what makes a man perfect, for me. I was thinking it over and realized, that all woman have their own version of a perfect man. He is not everyones perfect man, he is just perfect for her. In fact, I have learned a few things about men from my male buds and I think my personal list of what makes a man hot has been added to over the course of about 25 years now. I also have a list of what makes a man a loser. I suppose that is a list for another time.
Here is a 10 things list of what I consider “Perfect man” traits. (There are way more than 10, but this should be enough for now) I think all woman should write one out. It makes for lots of inner dialog. If you know me, you know I love inner dialog to bits. Oh, I should mention this is a list of what makes any men in my life perfect, not just one male of the boyfriend kind.
The List of Manessential traits for co-existing with a Bex-type person. Many of my male buds have these traits. Which, is why they are awesome.
1) Listens: Even if he doesn’t really want to, he listens, because he knows that somewhere in there is my point, and if he can figure out my point, he might just be able to help me. Men love to help. They just are not sure where the help is needed. I give my best buds props. They generally get the gist of it after letting me rant for like 10-12 minutes first.
2) Relaxes: When he has a few days off he wears jeans and t-shirts, grows a crappy beard, walks around barefoot, and reads books. Yeah, I consider that essential. Mostly because that is what I am freaking doing too (ok, maybe not the beard) I love a man who knows how to be an introvert. I consider the ability to unwind and be a proper slob essential ingredients to getting along with me. Oh, and he has to play music while we make breakfast and do the dishes. Chores are more fun with dance moves that make others snicker.
3) Reads: Holy mother of GOD! Please give me a man who reads. No, really. A man who reads has thoughts. He has opinions and conversation that includes syntax and supposition. Flaming hot aspects of perfection. If you learn nothing else about me, please learn that I like, love, adore, having conversations that actually have something in them. I get bored with idle chatter. I like “real” topics. Ones that mean something to the other person. Telling me about their last dentist appointment will make me heave. I also love to learn. So what if I know nothing about motorcycles, I watch Orange County Choppers and I know how to pay attention, so long as we talk on a level that doesn’t make me want to kill him because I have no idea what he just said.
4) Respects: I want men in my life who have active women in their lives. Some women want the man all to themselves. They don’t like a man with women friends. I disagree. Any man who has managed to keep women friends, has learned how to respect them, treat them, and protect them. He knows damned well a woman can take care of herself, in most cases, but he also knows that there are men in the world who are not like him. He knows that there are men in this world who can and will harm a woman. He thinks about ways to assist in preventing these types of men from causing the women distress. For example, offering to walk them to their car. Changing the side of the street he is walking when he is out at night and notices a woman getting nervous about his walking behind her. Letting the word NO mean something. Proactively speaking up when with his male friends and they say something inapporpriate, even if no woman is present, because he is bothered, not because a woman would be.
I like men who actually understand that, for a woman, there is no such thing as going somewhere alone without a running dialog or checklist of safety she is running through. “Watch for dark places. Keep your keys out and ready. Don’t be alone with anyone male you do not know. Guard your drink. Do not get too drunk without another woman to back you up. Do not get in the car with a man alone. Change sides of the street if someone is walking behind you. Beware of men in groups at night.” He understands that every single woman he knows or has met, has been taught that they are, at some point, are going to have a man grope them inappropriately. That this is not something that might happen, but something that probably WILL happen. He understands, that for a woman, there is no such thing as completely safe, unless she is home and alone, with a shotgun.
5) Teases: A man who knows how to properly tease (sometimes referred to as flirting) There are jokes, and there are JOKES. A man that knows the secret fact that no matter how jokingly it is said, that any comment on their bodies, personality, or behavior is going to have a woman wondering (later on) if the man was trying to subtley inform her of something that is wrong with her. Staying away from teasing that includes any hint of criticism, is always, always, always a good idea in the first year of friendship.
My male friends tease me about my fashion sense, my embarrasing past mistakes, and my obsessive with chocolate. These are the male friends that have known me longer than a year. These are men that have earned the right to tease me about these things, because they know that there are limits on how long a teasing should last. Men who have learned the proper art of “how long” to tease, are awesome. Timing is essential and a man that knows how long is getting to be “too long” is definately someone I will get along with. Those who have not learned this, well…they may or may not be walking around without a testicle today. All that being said, a man who teases is a man who likes you. “Men don’t tease you, unless they like you. They wouldn’t bother otherwise.” So, teasing is a sign of friendship and affection. I want that in my life. Teasing leads to laughing, afterall, and laughing is #6.
6) Laughs: OMG! Men who can make me laugh will always be sexy to me. I have friends who have a beer gut, no discernable sexyness at any other time, and no idea that scratching their butts is unattractive, but are completely adorable when they laugh. I laugh a lot. I laugh when I am alone and watching television. I laugh while reading humorous passages on the bus. I laugh. I totally like men who can laugh along with me, or, at the very least, do not give me funny looks when I laugh at the aforementioned occasions. A sense of the ridiculous is always a bonus. If a man can look at me laughing and detect what it is that is amusing me, and then share in that amusement with me, he is totally welcome at my house.
7) Learns: You know those little things that make up a person? Those are important things. Those are the parts that make up a whole. They are the bits that make a person different from another person. Learning those things should be fun. It should be something that a person wants to slowly discover. For example: I have a male friend who loves wooden boxes. He says he doesn’t collect things, but he collects things. He has paperweights and wooden objects all about his place. He moves them all the time to change things up in his flat. This amuses me. (I may or may not have a habit of moving those objects around into different positions than he placed them, just to fuck with him. Apparently, it is ok if he moves them, but not if someone else does. I do it because I care. I am teaching him tolerance…and how to contain the impulse to strangle Bex)
This is an example of knowing a person, not just the bits that are on display, but the bits that make memories. If a man takes the time to learn about my obsession with all things Muppet and Minions, he takes the time to understand and appreciate me. He may not really get the whole Muppets and Minions thing, but then I don’t get the whole “I have 200 Guitar magazines on my bookshelf and NO you cannot move them” and yet, I still find a way to file away the fact that he likes Bass and adores the hell out of his Red Wine Gibson.
Remembering that I like Minions and buying me a Funko Pop figure for my desk. Yeah, that guy is totally getting hugs.
8) Sensitive: Half my male friends just cringed. hahaha. I like that my male friends have a certain opening up thing, that they do with me and not their male buds. It takes a bit of time to get there, but generally it happens after they have known me a while. Something about seeing a woman wail, bitch, act unwomanly, and get herself into situations that can be used as blackmail to shut her up later, is helpful to letting down their guard, eventually. I like men who go crossed-eyed at babies and cannot find a way to politely leave the conversation with an old lady even after a 30 minute discussion on the perils of hip replacement therapy. (I may or may not have ignored pathetic eye begging for help, just for funzees) I like that there exists in this universe men, that not only write poetry, but don’t give a damn that others know about it. I like that there are parts of a man that, while completely and utterly guarded and locked down around other men, are open and tender to my touch. I like the trust that comes from a man letting you in. I know the value in that sharing. I like that I have the opportunity to prove myself worthy of that trust. Men that are sensitive make me kinda sentimental and secretly proud to know them. (I say secretly because you do have to fuck with male friends once in a while and make them think you might spill the beans. Scaring the crap out of male friends is a perk.)
9) Hobbies: I have to follow the sensitive one with this one. Cause, this is just as important. I like a man who has his own male stuff. Cause, I have my own woman stuff and do not always want a man in my face messing about. I like men who have manly stuff to do. I like knowing that, should I need a break from my men, they can get into happy man messes all their own. I also kinda think it’s fun to learn about what men find fun. Watching things blow up, cursing, riding a hog and staring in lust at a well made car. Men that have things they consider cool are cool. I don’t care if the thing that he thinks is cool may not be cool to other men. I just like that he has something he wants to do and be part of, that doesn’t necessarily have to be something I like too. Men that have interesting hobbies of their own, are more likely to understand my own. For example: I have a male friend who likes it when I post photos of my cross-stitching progress. He cannot sew to save his freaking life, and would not really want to, but he likes seeing me progress. He gets my having 300 cross-stitching magazines and still wanting more. He gets my need to stop and wander the aisles of the nearest crafting store. He gets it.
10) Patience: One of the things in my failed marriage, that contributed to my unhappiness, was the impatience. He would stand looking at his watch while I walked the aisle of the bookstore. While I cruised about looking at Tarot cards. While I looked through cross-stitch magazines. I got that he was not into these things, and I get that sometimes these things are boring to men. However, these things are important to me. If I can stand 3 hours of WWF wrestling, 2 hours of standing in the hot sun while he gets his baseball watching on, and endless visits to car lots to “Just check out these cars a bit” he can have the patience to allow me to be equally weird and obsessed. I have a male friend who has my undying affection for the way he chooses home furnishings. He will spend 15 minutes considering the attributes of one pillow over another, and ask me my opinon while he thinks it over. Patience. That thing that means that someone is willing to sacrifice an afternoon doing something you like to do, as apposed to something “He” wants to do, all because he is hoping you will accompany him to Comic-con next week, cause he doesn’t want to go alone, but really, really, wants to go dressed as Darth Maul and feels a teensy bit silly going there alone.
Patience is really just a short way of saying “I am willing to wait on you, because you matter enough to wait on.”
So, there it is, my 10 things list. I know I am no expert on men. I am just an expert on what “I” myself, like about them.