When I was a kid, I would stare at the stars with wonder. I would look at them and wonder what they knew and why they twinkled. It did not help that I learned about making wishes, actually, learning that ruined it for me. I stopped noticing that stars twinkled. That thay burned the night and took away the darkness that sometimes refused to be anything pretty. Stars made the sky less formidable and scary. Stars. made nighttime less frightening. The moment I discovered that you could make wishes on them, I forgot this essential truth.
I would hold all my wishes out to the stars and ask them to make them happen. Make my life easier. Make me better. Make something happen. I would wish and look up at them, helplessly waiting for a sign that they heard and obeyed me.
Obeyed me. (Snort) Why the hell did I think I had the right to order a star around? As I got older I forgot to look at the stars. I did not notice them as I worked, ate, slept, worked again. I sometimes caught sight of them as I did things, like return home as a passanger in a car, or made my way inside after much time away. I never noticed them after that. They did not make my wishes come true, they were just stars. Right?
I was so very wrong.
After my awakening. I noticed stars again. These painful things were happening to me, so, at first, I followed old habits. I asked for things. Made wishes. Only this time, I noticed that the stars were not there for me to wish on. They were there to support me. They had been all along. Stars shine in the vast darkness that is night. They shine. Why?
Now, I know there is science involved in stars. Sceientist can explain in many ways what a star is, but, they cannot explain why. Why did a star come about in the first place? Why? I know why now. They are there because the night is there, and night is when humans are most conscious of their frailty, their lack, their missing piecees. Night is when people need the most emotional assistance. Stars are the light in the dark, that is what they are there for.
I started looking up at the stars, not to make wishes, but to encourage myself to see. These stars have been for centuries, in this sky, and have possibly already died. They may have already died, but their light shines for a very very long time, even after that death has occured. Even as they die, stars want us to see them and be comforted.
Powerful thought. This idea that stars die but live in my memory.
The stars I saw when I was a child, are not these stars. They are not the same stars, just as I am not the same me. This is not the same moon. These are not the same stars.
My perceptions have changed. I see my life and realize, that all those things about myself I was wishing away, are, in fact, the things that make me myself. I may not like pieces of myself, maybe want to change those frail bits of me that do not seem to work or fit in. I may want to change my hair, my eyes, my nose, but these things exist for a reason. They challenge me, enrage me, and make me human and slightly more aware.
Oh, I have some deep scars that hide my beauty. I have things that others look at and decide about me, without my permission. I have things that do not measure up to scale, or completely shatter my chances at being a supermodel. The thing is, these things are still me. To hate them is a pointless cycle of turning in and slicing my own soul. I do not like to hurt me anymore.
Today I look at the stars for a different reason. I look at them for comfort. When I make wishes, it is to share them with the stars, not to ask them to make them happen. I make them happen. I just want the stars to see me progress towards them. I ask them to witness my blooming. I share with them the story of me.
These are not the same stars, this is not the same moon. I am not a child anymore. I may not even be an adult anymore. I have so much I want to learn before my light fades away from the dark sky. I want to make something that shines down and comforts, even after I have died.
I am a star. I exist in the dark and I know my purpose.