I am usually pretty upbeat. I am an optimistic person generally, so this lonely sad woman, is kinda hard to see in the mirror. I want to be more than I am right now. I deserve happiness, but really, truly, need, to the bottom of my soul, to be ok with having a broken heart right now, because I need to heal. Rushing the process just leaves holes. I have been trying to get over this quickly, but…this is something I have to honor properly too, this sadness. I have to let myself be sad, so I can move forward without regrets.
I will take walks, I think, be outside with the trees I have an affinity for, and sew. Sew my sadness into something beautiful and tangible. I will sit on the front porch in the dark, and think about who I want to be now. It is hard for me. I am use to being alone with my worries. I don’t tend to share my pain. I think I need to get out and be with others more. I have a longing to improve my life. I need a new aim for career, my current job is not my place. I need to find where I belong.
I am very emotional as a person. I am sensitive and completely at home with dreams. I live in my head, so have quite a lot of fantasies piled up, some are even quite sexy. Don’t tell. People assume 40 year olds are dead at the waist.
I want to get more out of my life. Buy real books and visit real art museums. Dabble in connection with people I have never met. Travel and learn from people I never realized I would learn from.
I am not ready yet. I need to heal,but….soon.
I will be ready soon.