When you let yourself love someone, but it doesn’t work out. There is this terrifying fear that taints your hope of loving again.
I haven’t even found a new love and I am utterly freaking terrified. “Fear, and do it anyway”. They say that, but I need to trust myself again. Trust myself, so I can trust someone else. My heart, it feels…like it let me down. I trusted it, and my heart…oh my fucking heart. It hurts.
I forgive my partner for us not working out, but I cannot seem to trust the same way again. I feel jaded, when I know full well that I am worth someone loving. I like me. I like me very much. I worked hard, very very hard, to accept myself and be..well, B. My lost partner, was a very good man. Part of the pain is knowing, I cannot change my heart back. It would probably be easier, but I am not the one to take the easy path. I take the one that has lessons. The one that leads to a better me, even if she hurts in the learning process.
I like me, the problem is, I don’t know how to trust someone else to like me too. To appreciate the many ways I know how to love someone. The way I show love. The way I enjoy my life and express my inner joy and creativity.
I have lost trust in something I was unashamedly trusting over. I want my belief back. I want my heart to know the faith in a love that it once knew was coming for me. I want the man I have been waiting to meet. He isn’t perfect, or without flaws. He’s just mine. He’s mine and I miss him. I want my trust to return, my trust that he is coming.
I know how to love. The next lesson, is learning to love again.
