I have 4 sisters. 4!! They are not shy people. Nope. Not a single one of them. If they act shy, run!!! That means they are doing something even nuns would blush to admit to.
Me, I am a strange mix. I am an introvert, and come off a bit moralistic toward strangers, however, my family knows that once I am comfortable or know someone a fairly long time, my standoffish becomes relaxed and sometimes I say quietly funny things. Insightful, well-timed, and extremely snicker worthy things. Things that make them feel better about whatever it is that is bugging them at any given moment. It’s a good bartender-like habit that helps them open up and let me in, only, I’m a professional ok!! Not just anyone can do it.
I am a Capricorn and we are quite good at saying shockingly funny stuff. We just don’t say it to just anyone..we say it to people who have earned it over time and many cups of late night hot cocoa. We ( Capricorns) have good timing and are not at all put-off by having to wait for the best moments to arrive. We are patient fuckers. We have probably had our joke in our heads for a month or more making us grin privately until one day we share it, without fan-fare or much advanced warning. (I’m not bragging, I’m taking well-earned credit.)
Of course there is a down-side (Isn’t there always?) They (family members) tend to return the favor (or try anyway). A lot. They share bits of stuff they think is funny and helpful right back. Only, 90% of the time, their funny has to do with telling me things I’d rather not know, about other people..namely their husband, boyfriends or past relationships. Why are all the things they think are cute the same things that make me want to scrub my brain with bleach?
My habit of noticing funny stuff and keeping it to myself, somehow makes relatives worry I haven’t got enough material or something. That is the only reason I can fathom for the sharing, dishing, and massive over-sharing, of information I get on the subjects that even nuns would blush over. They live to shock me. They love making me scream “OMG! I’m Blind!” or ” I need to wash my brain with soap!” After telling me things I didn’t want to know about themselves and sex, or more accurately their sex lives and loves past /present.
There are some words you should never ever hear in a sentence together. Crotchless and panties (if I’m honest even just the word crotch-less alone is a problem for most sentences). Heels and naked. Whipped cream and naked, handcuffs and Vaseline, and a personal favorite (not) Naked and recliner. Just take the word naked and make it a watchword ok!?
(Just to be clear! I don’t dislike any of the above sexual suggestions..my objections are purely about having MY SISTER’S say them. Seriously! My sisters dude!! You just can’t “un-see” that once it’s out there!)
Apparently my sisters are all insane sexual deviants. I’m a single woman and the realization that my sisters have way more exciting sex lives than I do is getting sort of depressing. I say revenge will be sweet. They laugh and tease now, but I am totally toying with writing a tell-all book about their sex lives.
We’ll see who offers me hush money first.