I like someone I’ve never met before. You read that right, I’ve never met the guy before. Haven’t even conversed with him once.
It’s dorky, because I went about it backwards.
See, I am a logical kind of person. I thought there must be a pattern or correct steps to these kind of things. A kind of intelligent reasoning that one goes through to explain how you ended up where you did. Only, there wasn’t and there isn’t, when it comes to feelings.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I know damn well that face-to-face is needed for real actual anything. I know that interaction is the only true means of proving what you feel isn’t just some strange infatuation. I know that. The thing is, what I feel isn’t lust. It’s not about sex at all. It’s caring.
It’s wondering if this person has a person to root for them. To talk to about serious stuff that hurts. To rage at and cry in front of without fear. Someone who isn’t afraid to piss him off because true friends don’t hold back for fear of losing them, cause that’s what real friends do.
I don’t care if he doesn’t like me for more than just a friend. I don’t care if he only talked to me once every 3 months, or if we never meet in person, so long as we knew each other and sometimes shared silences and conversation. I just very much like him and wish I had someone like him in my life.
I felt a need to test this weird affection.
Cause, I’m nothing if not skeptical of things that have no explanation.
So, I went about it ass backwards. I decided I must not be really feeling what I thought I was.
I set out to find something about this man that I didn’t like. Something I couldn’t agree with or would justify me letting the whole matter go.
That was what I started out with. I looked up information. Researched things. Astrology, numerology, background. I became obsessed with the idea of disproving my own impulses.
I failed miserably.
To put it mildly, the fuckers perfect for me.
He has similar ideals to me. He believes in equality, respect for other cultures, religions. Acceptance and tolerance are as important to him as they are for me. He is a strong supporter of people. He is creative. Loves storytelling, poetry, and drama. Loves art and science.
He loves children and animals. Has a love of trying new things. Experiencing every lesson and delving deep into the shadows of his own psyche. He loves languages and travel. Is a voracious reader and really enjoys pushing the envelope. He embraces philosophy and Taoism. Has a working knowledge of many subjects and isn’t afraid of failing at something. He takes risks and learns from the ones that end badly.
It isn’t that he’s perfect because hahaha he’s not.
For example: He notices the tiniest things and sometimes they seriously bug him to the point of madness. He wears boots with everything, even clothes he shouldn’t. He lets his hair get messy and long and he totally looks like a bum on his days off. He’s hypersensitive and prone to moodiness. He always liked doing things his way best, even when his way might not be the best way.
No, it’s not that he’s perfect. He’s not. It’s that his annoying habits are ones I don’t mind one single bit, because his best points are so beautiful it just balances him out. I kinda like that he is, at the end of the day, still himself.
He and I would get along. I know it like I know myself. Which is weird because that’s the only damn thing in life I trust. That I know myself very well.
He’s fucking wonderful.
Now what the hell do I do?
It’s not like I can ask the guy over for a chat. It’s not even a case of needing confirmation of my liking. I just like him.
What’s hard is that I like him so much I want to share my stupid thoughts with him. Things I know he’d be interested in hearing about, because we have an oddly large amount of things in common. Duh! Part of the reason I like him. The other part is that he is similar but also completely different. I like that too!
Like, he likes music like I do, but his taste in music is completely different to mine, but.. kinda interesting anyway. His thirst for knowledge leads him to testing himself in extremely physical ways whilst mine is more hands-on crafts and exploring with a camera. He likes concrete lessons, while mine are more spiritual in nature.
I’m really unsure of this thing. I feel I should just get over it. I’m not a kid anymore.