Uncomfortable with truths


(Reblogging this old post from 2 years ago because it resonated with me today.)

The weird thing about wisdom is that, even if you absolutely don’t want to hear it, you can always tell it is the truth, just from the resonance in your soul at the hearing.

It always wrecks me. Sometimes I am so frustrated, I cry and curl up in my bed hurting because inner work is fucking hard. It never stops the work a soul has in front of it. I’m always soo sure I’m done. Then, quite suddenly, I realize I have only just begun my work.

My ego has 95% of the blame. I hate thinking that the control isn’t in my hands. I have the task of flow. Knowing without knowing. Acceptance without proof is hard for a Capricorn. Earth signs really, really hate not being in control. We like control because we trust ourselves and only ourselves to get it right, not always from ego, but from love. We don’t want anyone getting hurt on our behalf. We also don’t exactly like pain ourselves.

So, wisdom. It hits me and I know, I KNOW that I didn’t see something I needed to see. My guides are stubborn fuckers. They guide me even if I scream the whole way.

Why do people describe spiritual work like this peaceful, quiet, contemplative thing, all rational and proper?

I sream my fucking head off! I punch pillows, yell and say the F-word. I have often, with complete sincerity, told my angels to fuck off. I do not and cannot fight without getting dirty or bloody in the process. Healing is messy work.

It is also all that other stuff. Peaceful and quiet, contemplative and silent. Generally after I finally stop struggling and cursing and lay exhausted on the bed crying.

My angels wait for that, then, they teach me. Me, who is finally listening. You’d think I’d learn to shortcut right to the listening part, but…each new lesson starts with denial of something being broken. The broken thing needs to be sanitized and prepped for healing before it can be healed. It has to be confronted and confrontation doesn’t just happen when you are ready. It happens when you are ready but don’t want to start yet.

Wisdom. Even when you want it to be a lie, your heart recognizes truth when it hears it. I have walked soo far forward, but don’t be fooled, I’m not anywhere near done.

I just don’t hide anymore. I’m ready for the process, even if I scream a lot when it comes upon me.

I’m a warrior who’s tending her wounds.

 

 

Published by Bexley Benton. (Pen name)

I am B (call me BB and I will gut you) I like daisies, books, and men who understand the wisdom of Kermit the Frog.

3 thoughts on “Uncomfortable with truths

    1. What a beautiful thing to say. I sure hope this is what’s coming for me. It’s hard sometimes, but well worth the effort if I grow stronger.

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