I have been thinking about this post: Personal Insight. quite a lot lately. My thoughts are consumed by the realization that nobody has ever truly leapt for me. That leap of faith? It’s always just me. They might have done, but I was soo scared they wouldn’t, that I didn’t ask them to. I didn’t ask. I didn’t value me enough to trust that they might. To believe someone would one day love me enough to leap off a big fucking “woman I love you” cliff.
I have a fear of abandonment. It makes me very guarded and leery of relationships, any relationships romantic, friendly or otherwise. Soup to nuts. I have been hurt many times and I am working very hard on my shadows.
See, I have a bad habit of always doing all the work in relationships. I fear soo much that they won’t be there for me, that I do all the stuff they might not because deep down I fear they won’t.
Like, I say “I love you” first and try not to care if they rarely (or never) say it back. I propose first, because I fear they might not love me enough to one day do it. I say I don’t need a really nice engagement ring because I know it might feel like too much work to think about what I might like and buying my own would be weird. I save up all my damned money and travel to see them, because I don’t think they would ever do the same for me. I also break up first. I run away first. I cause my own pain first..and you know what? It hurts the same. The absolute same…soo why the fuck do I do that?
Why am I soo sure that nobody will do these things for me? When did I decide I wasn’t worthy of that value? I love me. Truly love her, and I have decided she deserves all those things she’s scared nobody will want to offer her.
I know my value these days but somehow this shadow still exists inside me. I am confronting this because I recognize that it still needs further healing.
Soo..here is my truth. I want to be in love with me even if nobody ever shows up who wants to be in love with me too. I show up for me daily and that is honestly something wonderful.
If someone does show up..I’m not going to follow old patterns. I will admit that I want love letters. I want the goofy stuff. The funny laughing stuff. I want my sweetheart to enthusiastically declare he loves me. I want him to pick out an engagement ring that makes him think of me. I want him to make time and effort to see me. To travel to see me. To put in the effort to show me he trusts me. To be valuing me the way I will be valuing him.
Because, you know what? I do that. I do that every single time. I put in the work for the ones I love. You might say that I excel at loving people..because I fucking do! I value people in my life and maybe it’s time I let myself expect the same in return. Maybe I should trust in my value enough to know I am wrong to assume they won’t. Maybe, just maybe, I should let the people I love, love me too.
It’s a terrifying thought for me, but I think I love me enough to stop being soo fucking scared of being vulnerable to love. Maybe, just maybe, I am ready to let love come find me, if it wants to..and you know what? If it never happens..I think I know someone who does love me. She is me. She is proving just how much she loves me..right now..with this post.