Doorways


I’m trying to decide why I’m going on this vacation.

Part of me sees it as a personal challenge. Do something on my own that’s new. I like new things. I like challenging myself to do things outside my comfort zone. That’s how I stay alive whilst living. I want to see what alone on vacation me does. I want to create moments and possibilities. Anything can happen!

Another part of me worries I am doing this and will be passive about it. Will I stay in my room doing the same old things I do now in my apartment?

If so, well..that’s a waste of money ain’t it? This part, is the determined part of me. Making me understand that I can’t be a wuss in this thing. This vacation is actually a big thing.

I’m terribly shy in some ways about true me things. Most people snort-laugh when I say I’m shy. This hurts my feelings, at times, because if I tell them about it, it’s me being brave in explaining who I am..and them snort-laughing underlines that they truly don’t really know me.

I am not shy about things that aren’t deep. Lots of people think I’m loud and bold all the time. That’s a mask I wear sometimes..to cover my inner vulnerabilities. Like a cup game. Look over here, and you miss what’s over there. I have discarded most of my masks over time..but, that one I don’t. That one I keep.

The real me isn’t for them. The real me…I only share with a few people. People who read my blog..they see that me quite a bit more that anyone else. Mostly, because I pretend you aren’t really reading it. My poetry. Yes. That’s the real me. Scary shit. My poetry is where real me lives and bleeds.

The inner me is shy because she expects to be misunderstood. Or…told what to do instead of asked what she wants. That happened to me a lot growing up. I was one stubborn kid and usually didn’t do what I was told, even when it was good advice. Peevish that way.

Soo..shy. Yes. I get really nervous I might fuck stuff up and have to call for help. I HATE asking for help. I am definitely a Capricorn.

Then, there is the part of me that just needs to take a chance on fate.

I need time to adjust to something I must accept. This vacation is kinda my goodbye. The last vestiges of some stupid hope that something magical might happen at the last minute. I’m practical with nudges of childish wishing.

I guess I know WHY I’m going on this vacation…it’s more like I feel like I simultaneously want and don’t want to do it. It’s time, but I wish it wasn’t.

I’m such an ass. I’m soo scared nothing will happen that I am sad before I even give it a chance to maybe happen.

Whatever happens..I will finally have an answer. That’s worth something right?

 

 

 

Published by Bexley Benton. (Pen name)

I am B (call me BB and I will gut you) I like daisies, books, and men who understand the wisdom of Kermit the Frog.

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