Storytime


This meme reminded me of a childhood story, so I’m gonna go ahead and post it.

When I was a kid, my mum had a boyfriend named, Wayne. He was an asshole, but also just a guy who liked to hunt a lot.

One time, he decided to go spotlighting. Apparently, spotlighting is a task you do, as a hunter, to determine where the local deer can be found prior to going out and shooting them.

You literally shine a big fucking spotlight on quiet fields, in the middle of the night, like the worst peepshow artist in the world. Illuminating placid deer in an extremely bright light, when they least expect it, was really something one never forgets (I sure never did). The oddness of this act truly cannot be overstated.

In retrospect, I’m pretty sure the guy just wanted some fucking time alone, but my mum wasn’t having it. She loaded every last kid (4 of us) into the car with him (at 9 o’clock at night) and acted like “Let’s all go for a nice drive in the country!” Yeah….sure. That’s a perfect idea! Stick 4 kids in a car going absolutely fucking nowhere! That won’t end badly, nope.

30 minutes into the entire process and all 4 kids were at each others throats. Wayne was getting the full kid effect. He was ALSO getting super pissed…because we hadn’t seen a single. damned. deer.

My mother, who always tried to pacify uber-pissed-every-waking-moment-guy, quickly scanned for a deer, (any deer would do)..she spotted movement in a nearby field and yelled out the forever fatal words “Look! Deer! Over there! A whole herd of them!” Quickly, Wayne turned his spotlight on and pointed it into the nearby field, where he illuminated an entire herd of.. Cows.

Now, this proved to be the last straw for the now enraged Uber-dork-boyfriend, and he soon thereafter gave up the quest. It was a failure to him, but fucking delighted us kids to a level of unbridled hilarity never to be seen again in life.

Defeated, uber-dork-boyfriend drove home while we kids howled in laughter and filed this moment away for the future.

Flash forward to every single car trip for the next 10 years. Anytime a herd of cows came into view, a child’s voice would pipe up “Look mom! Deer!”

We really were tiny assholes.

Published by Bexley Benton. (Pen name)

I am B (call me BB and I will gut you) I like daisies, books, and men who understand the wisdom of Kermit the Frog.

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