I just…I can’t…I am…gah!


Just spent the warmest 2 hours texting my sister Shay. There are moments in life where you just feel the connection you’ve worked for over a lifetime. Shay. We have broken/mended/ broken/ mended soo many times and in soo many ways. The way sister’s do but, with that extra bit of best friends mixed in. Earned respect. We have seen the best and the worst of each other’s lives. The strength of it comes from being loved despite everything we hate most about them seeing us as we are. Being loved for the naked you is beyond measure in blessing. It teaches us that that kind of unconditional love does exist. It exists and we know its shape because we’ve seen it take form in the safe distance afforded by family connection. Born or created, family matters.

Because Shay is my step- sister, it was a choice. A choice to work and try over and over again, to get past, to overcome, to find common ground. The relationship I have with my sister is the best model for a love relationship I have ever encountered. That girl has taught me soo much. I am not always right. I take myself way too seriously. I am capable of deviousness and stupidity and…I have learned there are boundaries you can’t cross without breaking vital things. Things that need mended if you break them. If you are lucky you can mend them. I have been incredibly lucky. I am truly blessed by my sister. She’d probably say the same, but that’s because her love cannot abide less than equal treatment. She’s taught me that. Love only sustains what is maintained. Never take love for granted. It doesn’t last if you don’t do the work. Love isn’t free..it requires effort. Anyone that thinks love is free hasn’t really loved anyone but themselves. Real love takes work.

See, family (and sisters specifically) won’t buy your shit when you aren’t facing things. They challenge you because, you aren’t going anywhere from family. You can deny family. Hide from family. Ignore family..but, they still impact you, even so. Negativly and positively. In the end you still have to face your roots. I’m lucky. My roots gave me mana to grow.

I have had both sides of the coin. Toxic family that I had to walk away from, and loving connection that forced me to examine and change to improve myself. Love doesn’t put up with stagnation. It likes to move. Both kinds of family impact you. Even a bad family teaches you something. You have a choice. Learning what is good and what is bad in family, makes you an active participant in forging a lifetime foundation for the way you love. You are worth that. Don’t run from these things.. learn what went badly and choose your path. You aren’t broken..you aren’t finished becoming yet. You are mending. That’s way better than broken any day.

Shay and I, we’ve been through some shit. Shay amazes me. She’s seen so much pain in her life. Her list of challenges in life, is far longer than mine, and mine is no joke. We hear each other. Even the stuff we don’t want to hear gets through. Because the voice speaking is the voice that loves you. You can run from truth, but you can’t run from love. Love speaks without words. Love…love is the most beautiful horrifying and terrifying lesson. It is only by walking in darkness that makes us cherish the light when we find it.

My sister is readying me for sunlight. I’m looking toward the sun.

Published by B

I am B (call me BB and I will gut you) I like daisies, books, and men who understand the wisdom of Kermit the Frog. I refer to my favorite person as TMW5T Why? because if he had 6 I'd call him TMW6T, duh!!

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