Ok, I’m giving you the skinny on my sisters! I’ve got 4. (and 3 brothers, in case you wondered)
Life with sisters 101: My top 10.
My sisters think it’s funny to talk about sex in earshot of their almost youngest sibling (I’m second to last..Shay is actually the youngest) because they know, very well indeed, she is very private about sex. Will, in fact, take great delight in oversharing choice bits of their sexcapades for which to scar her emotionally. (I need bleach to wash out the words please!) I cannot look my BIL’s in the face. I know too much!
Will text their sibling about other siblings when they are fighting, and then ask suspiciously “Are you texting HER too?” As if they don’t know that is EXACTLY what is happening. Of course she’s texting me too! You ALL text me. It’s a texting nightmare up in here! Can you imagine if I reply to the wrong person? OMG! I have anxiety. My butt pings with text notifications soo much, it’s getting a complex!
My sisters ALL think it’s funny to nudge/poke me on FB. I get any references to anything in my personal life posted for the ENTIRE world to see on my FB wall. Got a crush on a certain movie star? They will 100% share photos/jokes/silly memes of said celeb and post wink wink faces. Have an obsession with a particular program? BAM! Every news article ever published will be shared! Like Llamas? You will never not have a Llama in your FB wall EVER AGAIN!
Sisters also worry about you X5000. They will check on you endlessly. And if you don’t reply within a certain time span (say while you are sleeping/working/traveling) they will text each other and together (as a sister collective) totally freak out imagining that you have died/gotten lost/fallen into a convenient ditch or crashed into another a plane! You will have 300 texts. 20 emails 35 phone calls AND many many posts on FB asking if you maybe went on a bender (even though you don’t drink)
Got a guy you’ve started seeing? He will be investigated, stalked, examined minutely. His FB wall will be studied like the secret to the JFK assassination. They will learn EVERYTHING. Nothing is safe… former girlfriends, jobs, past life mistakes..all will be contemplated, discussed and debated…probably in a FB chatroom you are not included in but suspect is being attended and monitored for up-to-the-minute updates.
If you haven’t got a man..and are “in fact” single….you will probably hide from them…hide.hide.hide. whenever they say these words “You and ______ might be good together” run…run before they get to the fateful “I could give him your contact details” or the even scarier “Set you up on a blind date” sentence. Once they say those words the ears on all other siblings will twitch and rotate in your direction. They will all begin “Operation make her life miserable” until you very firmly indicate you will MURDER THEM ALL if they ever,ever, ever,ever even think about doing that….again.
Talk about you as if you aren’t in the same room/ FB post/ phone call and discuss you..with everyone else…while you try very very hard to get them to stop. They will take great delight in discussing how you once wore those purple corduroy pants with (the horror!) red socks. (Yes, I did!) and retell a story about how you…and then you…and “OMG! Do you remember when she…” You will end up screeching like a deranged bird and they will laugh and laugh and laugh…while you contemplate their slow deaths by hair plucking.
Sisters have psychic powers. I’m convinced. They read you like they have scanners for eyes. They somehow just know things. They hug you, and send you surprise presents. They make you weepy by not saying things when you desperately wanted them NOT to say things, but expected them to say things..and then realized, you underestimated their love and…now you have tears and waterfall love and all kinds of uncomfortable mushy feelings swimming around in your belly. Damn them! They understand your needs without you saying them aloud… And you just..you just…you just…::: Uncontrollable sobbing:::
Sisters love to brag. Oh yes, they do! They won’t admit they are competing with each other…but they are SOO competing with each other! One sister gets a new sweater..well, will you look at that…they all suddenly bought new sweaters..at the same time…and posted the photos to FB…run away before they start asking YOU which one you like best. It’s a trap. Don’t answer. Run..away..fast!
Know EVERYTHING about you. If you have friends/ lovers/ co-workers meet them for the first time.. they can..and will..tell them things you did not want known/shared. They will (of course) always pick the MOST embarrassing stories to share about you. The MOST squeamish childhood details will be handed right on over! Pee the bed until you were 10? Get dumped by a guy on prom night? Ah, yes! They are evil. Evil little minions of death!
And I fucking love them to bits!