In true honesty, do you believe in yourself?
I do. I didn’t use to, it took a lot of work. I was told many things growing up, most of them non-verbal about my role as a human being and my importance in comparison to others. Sometimes it was the job I worked compared to the importance of another’s job. Sometimes it was my weight in comparison to others weight. I learned that list is endless. There are always too many people better than me…but here’s the thing..that was the wrong viewpoint. I was looking at me from the eyes of others looking in at me, instead of from inside me, looking out at the world.
See, inside me knows things about me, that people looking in can’t see with their eyes..or even, their conversation. They can’t see my humor and how I crack myself up at 2 am thinking strange but slightly hilarious thoughts. They don’t have my integrity that refuses to do less than the right thing even if nobody else is doing it. They can’t see my vulnerability and tenderness that I admit to only when cornered or observed. They don’t see my bravery as I try something I’ve never done before and bitterly regret for the first 30 seconds after I attempt it, only to burst into tears of pride because I fucking attempted it! They don’t see me the way I see me, and because of that, they don’t yet know how much there is to love about me.. but, I do. I know. I know, and because I know I love her fiercely. I defend her against everyone, even friendly fire. I watch her growth and don’t let her run from honest truths. I don’t let her hide or shy away from challenges.. because I know…she’s fucking amazing! She’s done things she never thought she could do, this me..all because she trusts me. I believe in me because I know that me is going to die one day..and she deserves to do so having loved life within an inch of itself.