Revisiting an old post


How to build a wall
by Bekki B.
November 2015

(This post is a metaphor for building a life for yourself. I am explaining that because for some reason, it’s terribly important to me that people understand what I’m trying to say here. I wrote it in 2015, when I first started struggling to define what my new life was going to be like.) Ok, here goes! (And yes, after reading it after all these years, I am crying…I am always shocked by my own thoughts when they come back around because, time has added to the experience. Proud of myself? Yes, I am. I am still building.)

You always hear about building walls in the negative. “She’s got such a wall around her, no one’s gonna wanna climb that!”

Lately though, I have been thinking about wall building in a different context. The emotional, and physical wall building you do, when your world has smashed to bits, and left you no choice but to cry or build. Even if you choose the cry option, at first, you generally get around to the wall building.

You start out completely clueless, especially if your ass had people, in the past, building that shit for you, life just has a way of arranging these lessons, so don’t be surprised, if eventually (if you are really lucky) life forces you to build a wall all by yourself, clueless to how the hell to begin.

Now, if you are young, you start out cocky,(who doesn’t know how to build a damn wall?) you think, and start right in stacking. Only, something kinda goes wonky, and the walls start kinda sagging. The bricks keep working loose and some, fall the fuck out!

This. This is a bit harder than you realized, ain’t it? So, after you toss a tantrum (or as my friends in England refer to it, do the dying fly) You get a bit wiser. You start paying attention, because crap! You need a wall.

You start reading, asking questions, trying small tests. Your patience is tested again,and again. You have mishaps and fucked up moments where you realize your morter was a smidge off in the ingredients area. You ask more questions. You cry, and bleed, on those damn bricks.

Then, something happens. Your first line of bricks stay put. They don’t crumble. The morter holds. The wall doesn’t fall over. You stack it like your new BFF’s ( aka the morter guys) you just met, instructed you to do. Your masterpiece isn’t as pretty as theirs, but it held! It looks like what it is! A firm start.

Then, something even cooler happens. You notice walls everywhere you go. They had always been there, you just notice them now. Cause, you are building one. You notice the designs and flourishes. You marvel at the techniques. You ask more questions, but not because you have to this time, but because you want to try some of this stuff. You have a perfectly good wall, but now you want the best for your wall. You want your wall to be a showstopper!

You try stuff, learn, adjust, try again. You even find yourself tearing out sections and starting over, because you got an idea about how to make it even better. You start to realize you can make this wall anything you want. It is yours. Your hard work. Your wall. You are no longer in a hurry to get done, you know you can do it, and now, now you want something better. Something not just strong and sustainable, but pretty, interesting, and dare I say it..Inspiring.

You finally finish that wall. You’re proud, but kinda sad. Your work is done. You know you can build a new wall, but…this was your first, your finest, the one with all your scariest moments in it. You pat it and turn to go do more walls.

Then, maybe something terrible happens one day. Something happens and your wall gets smashed again, like so long ago. Only, this break, it’s bad. Really bad. It’s nothing like that first wall break. This one levels your strong wall, that you built, so, it hurts a bit more, because the first wall was not even as strong as this new one. This has gotta hurt.

Except. The defeated person, everyone expects, isn’t standing there, shoulders slumped, broken and in massive pain. You are hurting, yes, but your eyes are steely. You are standing looking over the damage and even have a bit of a muttering conversation going on, as you consider that wall and the damage wrought upon it.

They come over to you, a bit concerned, have you finally lost it? Are you in shock? Unaware of the devastation?

You smile softly, and answer honestly. “Once, this would have destroyed me. It would have broken me. but, I woke up this morning, and realized something very interesting.”

They ask, eagerly, it almost seems as if they are desperate to understand your secret. What was it you discovered that brought such a change to you?

You answer. “I woke up this morning and realized, that I know how to build a wall. I am not the person I once was, because I know how to make my wall from start to finish. I know how I want my wall to be, I can even make it better, add new inspiration into the mix. I am not afraid. I am excited.

“This is my wall, and I am the builder.”

Published by B

I am B (call me BB and I will gut you) I like daisies, books, and men who understand the wisdom of Kermit the Frog. I refer to my favorite person as TMW5T Why? because if he had 6 I'd call him TMW6T, duh!!

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