I don’t invest my time and effort in people who don’t matter a great deal to me. I whinge and moan about people. I weep and sigh over people. I plot and plan over people. If I, in any way, mention a person. Be assured I care, very very much, about them. I treat those I don’t like very differently. In fact, I treat them like they don’t even exist.

So..know this, if I speak about you..by name, virtue, or nickname, you are someone I have let into the tiny and very exclusive location near my actual heart thingy.

When I love people, they will always, most definitely, be aware of it. It’s quite simple really, if I notice you it’s because I love you.

My love language is in words and gestures of great emotional import.

My list is small but my love, that spans oceans.

The suck list

You ever notice that people keep track of things they WANT to do, but never stuff they have EXPERENCED and wished they hadn’t? Like, they create these bucket lists of things they want to do before they die, but never give themselves respect for all the stuff they have LIVED through.

I call it the SUCK LIST.

Here’s some of mine:

  • Alcoholic Parents
  • Dyslexia
  • Parental Divorce
  • Foot/leg operations (2)
  • Stitches (22) left thigh (Step-father)
  • Physical abuse
  • Sexual assault
  • Poverty
  • Gallbladder attacks
  • Gallbladder removal
  • Childbirth (though celebratory still very painful and thus counts as suck)
  • C-section
  • Infidelity (not mine)
  • Divorce
  • Separation from child (sigh*)
  • Sexual Harassment
  • Less than ideal living circumstances.
  • Broken heart
  • Fibromyalgia
  • Joint Arthritis
  • Loss (Step-mother, Father, Grandmother, Grandfather, Brother)
  • Life

TBH my list is rather manageable compared to the Suck list of others. I’ve not experienced oppression or persecution due to my skin color, race, culture or sexual inclination. I know my privilege and I don’t consider my list better or worse than anyone else’s, actually I’m quite lucky. I call it the SUCK list but, it’s a list of things I have overcome. I’d like to think the things I’ve overcome are like scars or tattoos now, mine to memorize and share.

5 days of rain

There is a strange thing that happens whenever I take time off from work. Each time (and there have been many) the work week preceding the leave is almost always, quite inevitably, completely shitty. It’s like I have to prepay for my time off in grueling effort.

Now, much of this is probably attributed to my own impatience, certainly, everyone gets frustrated with the waiting for something good to happen, so the waiting bit feels more irritable.

Sometimes, it is/was other people. My boss at BRU always took great delight in scheduling me the absolute most shit schedule ever anytime I was going to be leaving for 2 weeks in England (he was always 100% pissed I’d be gone that long and couldn’t do ANYTHING about it as I got special permission from corporate to use my entire 2 weeks at once. They generally wouldn’t let associates do 2 weeks all at once, but leaving tbe country via a $800-$1000 plane flight has its perks) He knew damned well I’d just quit given they only paid me $8.40 an hour.

Anyway, he’d schedule the week before with my off days split end-to-end Saturday through to Sunday, like bookends, where my 1st day off came on Sunday and my next day off wouldn’t be until the following Saturday. He’d also schedule me with closing and then opening the very next day. You get the picture.

This time I was a bit surprised to have the inconvenience turn out to be weather. Seriously, mother nature? Sigh* It rained all 5 days this past week. 5 DAYS IN A ROW!

Topped off with yesterday, which was the busiest day we’ve had this year! I have NEVER been low on carts for an ENTIRE day before.

People came from everywhere! (Is a Packers game REALLY that important? Apparently, in quarantine days, It is) I mean, HOLY HELL! The parking-lot was mega-packed and with mega-packed came lots and lots of irritable, rushed, impatient and dangerously incautious people.

I almost got struck by cars no less than 6 times. All of them because people use their cars like they are an extension of themselves and conveniently forget that “I” am not in a FUCKING CAR! I am pushing big, heavy metal things on the worst incline/ decline parking-lot ever forged in hell!

Anyway, I had several cursing and shouting at car incidents I am not entirely proud of, but quite understandable? Maybe?

The day ended with me losing my temper with my management team. Whenever the younger managers (sub, sub management) is in charge, they often shaft me until I get a bit growly about it. (Telling me they don’t have anyone to spare to help me clear the lot at nights end) Wait, that makes me sound cranky and mean.

Sigh* Let’s just say I know when they are trying to take me for granted and don’t allow it. I’ve been in retail way too long and..well, I know my worth and don’t let people faff me about.

One of my team had called off and it was just myself and the newbie until 6:30, after that, it was just me..once again. Sigh* it would be darkly humorous if it weren’t my life story.

I get a bit growly sometimes. Especially, when I know I haven’t enough time to get the lot cleared on my own. Being Saturday I knew I had no bus and HAD scheduled a Lyft home. Help or no help, my butt needed to leave ON TIME. There are only 3 Lyft drivers in the area..trust me. I did not want to miss my ride.

In the end my team was forced to send someone (himself) out for 20 (I’m sure) horror-filled minutes of being me and working my job. I’m sure it was terrible (try doing it for 8 hours mate! I love my job but yesterday was NOT NORMAL!)

Only 3 working days next week. The hilarious bit is that the 2 days I requested off are Friday and Saturday, the busiest days of the week for cart-pushing. Oops. I didn’t plan the memorial dates (I swear)

It will be good to see my family, but the circumstances kinda suck.

B ❤

Here’s the thing about me,

When other people watch movies, they select a character they want to be, someone they aspire to emulate or become like in some small way.

The thing about me is, I’ve never been much interested in being a specific character in the movie. I would be anyone, so long as it meant I got to be there, in that story. That world. That place.

When I was a kid, I didn’t care if I was a rock-biter, or Falkor or Atreyu. I’d want to be a “good guy”, if I got to choose, (sure, who wouldn’t?) but, I didn’t mind what my part would be, even if it was to be one of the baddies, so long as I got to explore the world that made that story come to life. To be part of the beauty that is the story.

There are ever soo many worlds in my heart. I could care less if I ever met the main characters, I just wanted to walk around Hogwarts or explore Aughra’s observatory. I’d be completely up for a wander through Nockmaar castle or to photograph the land of Mordor.

At the heart of every fantastic movie I’ve ever fallen in love with, was a world I would have given anything to experience.

For me it’s all about the amazing worlds these characters were blessed to be able to walk around in. Damn, I was jealous of the characters that got to live in a world chock full of strange creatures, histories and landscapes. At my heart I’ve never been about the story the characters told, as much as, the places they let me visit them in.

The thinks I think

Lying here legit just meandering in my thoughts. Want a peek?

I’m contemplating rearranging my living-room as a possible means of getting myself to kick-start my deep cleaning demon as I am currently completely apathetic about doing my actual normal cleaning. I am seriously weird. I will make a bigger project to force myself not to skip a smaller one. Hah! The funniest part of this being that I know myself soo well that I am aware that doing such WILL, IN FACT, work.

I need to buy groceries. I am struggling with the need to plan meals as I keep slip-sliding on the realization that if I don’t plan my meals out in my head I am probably going to do what I have been doing lately, which is to say, eating microwave meals and not actually enjoying the process of meal-time. I need actual dinners to be happy. I am craving BLT’s for the 3rd straight week, and wondering if this is a problem habit, as I really, really want go have BLT’s but, kinda feel appalled at the amount of bacon I have been eating lately. Not even kidding.

I am kinda excited about getting started on my current new sewing project whilst also feeling incredibly guilty as 2 projects I have not yet finished are regarding me with abject distain from the comfort of my recliner’s side-table. Lalalala I can’t see you!!

Hmmm..

What does it say about me that in establishing my packing list for my 3 day visit to Ohio, that I am fine with only the minimums when it comes to clothes, make-up, hair-care and other needs, but my need for my camera, laptop, Kindle, cell-phone and sewing projects, are completely overriding any and all other needs?

I’ll only be there 3 days and I can’t leave my creativity at home lol

And I wept like a 6 year old who’s gotten her hearts most secret wish

It was a hard day at work. Labor day weekend and all that. I was getting the carts in when a woman stepped out of her car and started waving her arms into the air.

I looked at her and wondered what this woman was on about and then, I recognized her.

My Shay. I haven’t seen her for a year and even though we text and talk on the phone constantly, it just isn’t the same as actually seeing her in person.

I wrapped my arms around my sister (less of her, I noticed, after she’s lost 25 lbs) and completely broke down. I was soo completely happy. It was sudden and overwhelming. It was pure, sweet joy! I literally hugged her 3-4 times and cried freshly each time. I missed her soo soo much!

She laughed when I asked if she’d brought the dogs too. Not because I wanted to see them more, but because then my happiness would have been even bigger, and my heart loves bigger! She said no, dogs are home with the nephew..but, I will see them soon as I get to Ohio in a little over 2 weeks. I cannot wait to see the dogs reactions to scenting me again.

She drove me home and we spent a very pleasant 2 hours just being us. It was like slipping on the warmest slippers you ever had. I didn’t want her to leave. Her husband even warned her she couldn’t stay the night here…lol. He knows us too well

I know I’ll see her soon (18th) but, it just feels like I could never see her enough. ❤❤❤❤

Happy Birthday Anu!

Pulse

With each lyrical beat,

you delve,

deeper and more deeply,

into your darkest shadows.

Your Heartbeat is

often caught up in the movement,

of a metronome

of consciousness.

The core of you illuminates

quite more than anticipated.

This isn’t just destiny, it’s fated.

The silver spark of your intellect.

A warm glow that leaps like fire from your soul.

You are ever soo much more than a well-read novel.

You are ever soo much more than a star-filled sky.

You are, and have ever been, a neverending story.

You are, and have ever been, a galaxy of brightness.

The wonder of you unfolds

like a well-rested cat, seeking a saucer of something,

and finding a feast of fish.

Our hearts are blessed beside you.

To know you is to be thankful

for your birthing.

Netflix and sew

I’ve not thought if it before, but I happened to think on it and realized, I can use my computer like a television can’t I? So, I did! I downloaded Netflix and set myself up by the window where I have been sewing and watching television all day. It’s marvelous!

I have truly gotten hooked by this lovely British program called “The Repair Shop” and I am having the absolute best day! Honestly, I’m being completely lazy and enjoying every moment to my utmost!

Now I have retired to my bed and plan to finish up my day reading the rest of The Mysterious Benedict Society.

The best day ever!

I think the best days are the ones you didn’t plan on. Yesterday was definitely one of those! 

It started out with waking up and feeling pretty happy. No aches and pangs, not foreboding feeling of dread about the coming workday, mostly because I knew I was going to have adequate assistance for the day (1 new guy and 2 of my teenage boy co-workers) I also knew that today (Saturday) was the 1st day I was going to be getting my new pay raise! Making the wage you deserve kinda makes for a happy worker (employers might wanna take note!) 

Anyway, there was a zing in the air that I immediately enjoyed. It wasn’t too hot and the breeze coming through put me in the best mood! I walked over to the nearest Kwik-Trip (Locals all just call it Kwik-E-Mart) and loaded my bag up with delectable’s. A Bacon & Egg Croissant, some Coconut-dusted Donuts, a bottle of Cold Mocha Coffee and a package of cookies (for offering in the break-room). I caught my bus and read some more of the immensely entertaining book The Mysterious Benedict Society , of which I am greatly envious as the writing is superb. I walked to my location and checked in. 

The break-room wasn’t  buzzing like it usually does. Kinda subdued really. of course, I went and ruined it with my cheerful exuberance, but don’t worry, they forgave me. I teased one of my co-workers about his shirt (he wears the funniest button-up shirts with crazy things on them) having brightly colored avocados all over it. I told his GF who was sitting with him, that I just know that if I ever encounter a shirt that matches his style I will just have to buy it because he is the only person I know that would wear them the way they deserve to be worn. 

I walked out to my location and my “boys” were all there. Marcus, who is a high-school kid, has been moved to only 1 day a week, since school re-started and so, was scheduled for his first day as a 8 hour shift, most of his previous were 4 hour shifts (like Alex, who is my recently graduated kid). Marcus always gets surprised looks because he looks like he’s in his twenties and Alex is the one who looks like a high-schooler. Marcus was scheduled to work from 8:30-5 with me and Alex was only scheduled until 4. This got a lot of teasing as he arrived after Marcus and would be leaving before him as well. Marcus is easy-going and they all get alone pretty well. Today was the 1st day of working as a cart-pusher for our new kid Noah. Noah worked for the company that does taste-testing in the store but, because of the pandemic, has been helping with the cart sanitizing and apparently, so I have been told, came to quite like the idea of working on my team as one of my “boys” .

Since this day was his “first day” we all had plans for him. (muhahahah!) We initiate all our new kids the same way. It’s a ton of fun and as the  latest “victim” of this prank, Alex was very excited to be part of the “getting” instead of the “being got” part of this endeavor. I’m sure Noah wondered why we all seemed to be at the entrance to the cart area, whenever he brought in carts, might even have thought we were all being a bit too “chatty” grouping together this often, but really, nobody wanted to miss out on the prank.

We had a few near-miss moments waiting for the “perfect” set-up, but finally it came. Noah pushed the carts in and we immediately pushed our carts in behind him, blocking him into the center of the cart-line. He was very confused, which is the best part really! We laughed and welcomed him into our group and informed him that this made him “official” as a cart guy. He finally understood and blushed. 

The day was really a busy one, but with soo much help it didn’t sting very badly. I did get a few strange moments and near-misses in the parking-lot (as always with people who don’t seem to know what the rear-view mirror in their car is meant for or who assume all Stop-signs are merely helpful suggestions.)

The funniest moment was having a woman comment that she had thought a “strong young man” would be helping her get her heavy items loaded into her car and having my “boys” all glance at me nervously waiting for me to explode. I didn’t, but it is one of my biggest pet peeves working in carts. I just smiled and informed her that these “young boys” would probably get into trouble without me there to keep them on task. I wasn’t joking either!

People always see cart-pushing as a job for young teen boys, but, to be honest, those teens are very unproductive if left to their own devices, since they are “after all” still young. I like to think I am their first experience with an adult leader and that means I have the opportunity to inspire them to a lifetime of hard-work and proper respect for themselves. They see me working my butt off and still managing to have a laugh or two in my day, and this (I hope) teaches them the way of it. 

Anyhow, it was fun and the added support made for an enjoyable work environment for the day. I really think people are happiest and do the best job, when they have others around them to talk to and ask advice. When you are out there by yourself with no visible assistance every working moment can feel like a strain, that same environment becomes somewhat festive with more people, it just is, and more gets done because they unconsciously lean towards assisting each other when any situations crop up. by the time Marcus left at 5 I was pretty well done with the carts for the day. It had slowed down dramatically and all my carts were in by 90% by the time closing rolled around. I gave a satisfied sigh and my manager, who was checking the parking-lot noticed and asked how my day had gone. I told him all the best bits and smiled at him, “those kids make my day feel lighter just by their being in it, but don’t tell them, I want them to work hard and fear me slightly.” he laughed and said “pretty sure they aren’t fooled” well damn!

I ended the day by getting a Lyft home and the driver turned out to be one that I’ve chatted with during a ride before. He said he knew immediately that it was me when it gave the location and that he took it because I was a good passenger. I assumed he meant I talk a lot and often tip well. (hah!)

It was a lovely day and I felt really happy coming home. Today also marked the 1 year mark for having my own apartment. Best days are always unexpected, which is why they are so very lovely.

 

 

 

50 questions

  1. Who is your hero? My hero. Hmm. I think the person who has impacted me most in my life was actually Harper Lee. When I read “To Kill a Mockingbird” it changed my entire life. I learned about conviction, integrity, and holding your own even if you are the only person standing up for something right. Even if it ends your life, there are some things worth dying for. The other hero I’d choose would be Charles Shultz. His wisdom is subtle but profound. I have soo many heros!

2. If you could live anywhere, where would it be? If I could live anywhere I’d not live in the same place. I’d travel and see everywhere there is. I’d probably eventually settle down in the UK or somewhere in the country.

3. What is your biggest fear? Being forgotten, losing my memories.

5. What is your favorite family vacation? My father drove the entire family in our station wagon from Pennsylvania to Florida to go to Disney World. It was magical.

5. What would you change about yourself if you could? I’d probably fix my crooked feet. My feet are malformed from my childhood and, though I am quite use to it, they do cause me great physical pain due to the improper balancing of my feet.

6. What really makes you angry?

Seeing people and animals harmed by cruel and selfish people. The idea that someone can hurt another person or animal for emotional or sexual gratification greatly angers and deeply saddens me.

7. What motivates you to work hard?

Knowing that once I succeed I can use my knowledge to further others along their path.

8. What is your favorite thing about your career? I am greatly delighted by creating something that didn’t exist and suddenly now exists and says something in a way never said quite this way before. I love being the creator of dreams and stories.

9. What is your biggest complaint about your job? I can’t do it for a living yet.and working to pay my bills takes me away from my true passion. That I’m generally exhausted by the time my weekend arrives and thus, haven’t the energy to create.

10. What is your proudest accomplishment? Giving birth to my son.

11. What is your child’s proudest accomplishment? I think Z’s proudest moment hasn’t happened yet, but graduating from high school and getting into college was the most recent success.

12. What is your favorite book to read? To Kill a Mockingbird.

13. What makes you laugh the most? Being happy within myself. I delight in being myself, the truest me. I love that I just get to be me now.

14. What was the last movie you went to? What did you think? Hmm. It’s been a long time for me..hmm. I think the last movie was Moana with Z visiting at Christmas one year. I thought the storyline was beautiful.

15. What did you want to be when you were small? I wanted to be a character in a movie, like actually live in a movie. Second choice was a writer.

16. What does your child want to be when he/she grows up? Z wants to be a game artist.

17. If you could choose to do anything for a day, what would it be?

Sculpt. I was actually quite good at it in school.

18. What is your favorite game or sport to watch and play? Badminton actually. I also like to bowl and swim. I love watching the Olympic events.

19. Would you rather ride a bike, ride a horse, or drive a car? Ride a horse, but I’d have to learn how first.

20. What would you sing at Karaoke night? “Beautiful Day”

21. What two radio stations do you listen to in the car the most? I don’t listen to radio. I have 3-4 specific playlists I play depending on my mood or activity.

22. Which would you rather do: wash dishes, mow the lawn, clean the bathroom, or vacuum the house?

Umm..I like everything but mowing as I’ve never done that.

23. If you could hire someone to help you, would it be with cleaning, cooking, or yard work?

I like doing them myself. I get a sense of calm from sorting myself out.

24. If you could only eat one meal for the rest of your life, what would it be? Nachos

25. Who is your favorite author?

Joseph Lallo, Jessica Townsend, Heron Carvic, Harper Lee, Agatha Christie, Arthur Conon Doyle, Karen Marie Moning…there are soo many!!

  26. Have you ever had a nickname? What are some of them? My dad use to call me Bex, my nephew called me Bekkiah and some of the kids I watched called me Rabekki. My friend M, calls me B.

27. Do you like or dislike surprises? Why or why not? I hate them. I am a very emotional person, but truly hate everyone looking at me and not being able to hide my reactions.
   

28. In the evening, would you rather play a game, visit a relative, watch a movie, or read? Game or read. I like my serene time.

 29. Would you rather vacation in Hawaii or Alaska, and why? Both. I would love to see the colors, the plant-life, the animals and the Northern Lights. I want to experience everything!


   30. Would you rather win the lottery or work at the perfect job? And why? Perfect job. Winning the lottery is just free money. I like to earn things.
   

31. Who would you want to be stranded with on a deserted island?Keanu Reeves.
 

 32. If money was no object, what would you do all day? Take classes in everything! Visit libraries, read books, buy books, travel and explore.

   33. If you could go back in time, what year would you travel to? 1974
 

 34. How would your friends describe you? Quirky.
 

 35. What are your hobbies? Sewing, reading, writing, playing games, photography, learning
 

 36. What is the best gift you have been given? Memories.
 

 37. What is the worst gift you have received? Memories.
 

 38. Aside from necessities, what one thing could you not go a day without? A book.
 

 39. List two pet peeves. Casual negligence, Insensitive remarks
 

 40. Where do you see yourself in five years? Nose deep in a new adventure.
 

 41. How many pairs of shoes do you own? 3
 

 42. If you were a super-hero, what powers would you have? Mind reader or invisibility.
   

43. What would you do if you won the lottery? Travel and take classes in everything I ever wanted to learn.
 

 44. What form of public transportation do you prefer? (air, boat, train, bus, car, etc.) Airplane. From the moment I took my 1st flight I was hooked! I love to fly!
 

 45. What’s your favorite zoo animal? Giraffe.
 

 46. If you could go back in time to change one thing, what would it be?I wouldn’t. Everything I am is from everything I have been through.
   

47. If you could share a meal with any 4 individuals, living or dead, who would they be? Robin Williams, Mister Rodgers, Jim Henson, and my dad.
 

 48. How many pillows do you sleep with? 3


   49. What’s the longest you’ve gone without sleep (and why)?
  3 days. My ex use to fall asleep at the wheel. I’d stay awake to keep an eye on him during long trips.

 50. What’s the tallest building you’ve been to the top of? A castle in the UK.