I miss you dammit!

I miss you dad. I miss you. I miss you. I fucking miss you! You annoyed me, frustrated me, and sometimes you made me soo soo mad. But…you also made me laugh, and think, and learn really important aspects of being a proper adult living with integrity.

I have your smile. My child, Z has your smile too. July 2nd I didn’t comment on it being the day you died to anyone, but, it definitely affected my workday.

I am soo mad I didn’t get to tell you how mad you made me…how much I loved you! How much you annoyed me, aggravated me, confounded me and how much I reluctantly admired you while trying not to care about your damned nit-picky opinion. You are completely the source of my stubborn nature, my overwhelming sense of right and wrong, my unshakeable sense of integrity. My inability to properly express my vulnerability and my love. You, I resemble you..soo soo much!

I fucking miss you!

When I first discovered that you were also a Virgo and a Cancer in Love, my affection for TMW5T became much clearer. He resembles a guy you would have approved of. A guy you would have enticed into ganging up on me for various “mess with Bekki” endeavors. I know you would like him, and that makes me like him even more.

I miss you dad. I miss you. I really, really, miss you.

I hope they have fireworks and campsites where you are. You’d like that.

I love you.

Your, Bexter

This is me.

I just read a comment on Instagram, that states that, the person you are when there is nobody there to witness it, is your truest self.

Now, I’m laughing hysterically because that is 100%, the me I share with everyone who reads my blog.

The “Notes to self” self, the “I talk to my plants and have created entire elaborate back-stories for them” self, the “I crack myself up with my own funny dumb thoughts” self, the “I watch birth announcements, adoption stories and relatives surprising each other returning home on Youtube and cry all over myself like a sappy dork” self, the “butt-dancing and loud singing” self, the “I’m totally eating ice cream at 2 am” self, even the “I remembered something mean I said 13 years ago and can’t sleep for the guilt I still feel over it” self.

If all those quirky chicks are my “truest” self, I’m kinda ok with it.

Insert curse word (here)

Today was pure hell. The sun, it burns! It was, as expected, purely horrid working a busy holiday alone. I had support from my co-workers, but was, essentially, alone for most of my shift. It was soo freaking hot! The humidity was killer. I sweat soo much I was sweating salt out through my pores. I didn’t even know that was a THING! I was confused because I thought I had dirt all over me, until someone explained. They told me to drink Powerade. Lots of Powerade. Lots and Lots!!

Here is a quote I found about it online:

“While too much sodium in your diet can be unhealthy, skipping salt altogether isn’t necessarily the solution. Sodium is a critical electrolyte that, along with potassium and chloride, helps to deliver water to your body’s cells. That means a diet that’s too low in sodium can actually increase your risk of dehydration.

You may have noticed after a particularly sweaty workout or day in the sun that your skin can feel a bit gritty. That grit is actually salt that leaves your body along with water when you sweat. In order to properly rehydrate, you need to replace any sodium you lose.” (Source article can be found here)

I am sore in places not fit to mention in polite company..hell, even the non-naughty bits are yelling!

My feet and my legs hurt the most. The pain makes sitting them flat absolutely impossible. The dull ache this produces is almost scream inducing.

I only have to work until 6:30 tomorrow. That is, if I can get a Lyft vehicle to take me to work in the first place. The buses aren’t running. I did warn my management just in case. I am…sigh** also scheduled alone tomorrow.

My weekend is going to be resting. I promised my body. I am horribly exhausted. I hate that being exhausted makes me more snappish toward other people. I really, really hate that I get grumpier the more pain that I am in.

I AM a Capricorn, after all! But still, being snarky isn’t nice, even if everyone tells me they understand. I’ll try harder. Stress just really messes up my normal equilibrium.

I will get through this. It just really, really hurts.

I just bought 2 new work shirts for Fall. (One in an Army Green shade and the other in a Pumpkin shade)

I have never really owned any green shirts so, I was kinda taken aback by how much I like myself in this damned shirt.

Every time I go into the bath (wash my hands, brush my teeth) I catch sight of myself and genuinely feel a bit silly because a voice in my head says I look cute. I actually think that to myself (you should be quite versed in my strange mind-talk thing by now)

I keep thinking progressively more hilarious things at my reflection. It’s become some dorky self game I’m playing. Like, I’ll look at myself and say stuff like “Well, hello there beautiful!” or “What’s up with this. come hither hair today?” or even “Smokin hot girl! Get some!”

It’s gotten so bad I make up excuses to wash my hands just to see what reflection me will say next. Hah! Yes, I am this weird and silly. I love this me a lot! Thanks for asking.

So..here are 2 photos of this strange person who keeps telling me I’m cute. What an interesting life I live.


Left field isn’t my friend

I wasn’t expecting this.

Today was a difficult and trying day, legit! It was hot, sweaty, and incredibly curse inducing. The new guy walked off the job during my days off (after only being there 1 week). Therefore, I already knew, going into this week, that I was going to have to work alone even though 4th of July week is insanely busy. My buddy Doug deserves his days off, just as I do, so I don’t begrudge him even though it’s double the work.

The thing is, 93° weather, wearing a mask, and working double the load, makes a hard day feel even harder, especially with the high humidity we’ve been having this Summer.

So, basically I wasn’t at my best today. I was a determined, slightly manic, and cursing like a sailor version of myself (rarely seen certainly, but today was on my last nerve)

And they called me inside for a meeting where they presented me with this:


Well, shit.

I sure was glad they couldn’t see how startled I was under my mask. I seriously almost broke into sobs.

I told them “Now I wish I hadn’t cursed soo much today!” They all laughed but I was serious. Lol

I was glad my mask hid the fact that I was terribly self-conscious. I really, really, really hate being the center of attention, especially if someone is gonna make me go all weepy and stuff. OMG! I always want to hide when people call attention to me, even if it’s good stuff. Especially if it’s good stuff!

I ended by asking “Who wants to come out and help me put the rest of the carts in?” To which they all played along and pretended to avoid my eyes. Lol That made me giggle.

Cindy made me laugh by saying “They probably realized how much they rely on you while you were on vacation and they had to do your job” which made me laugh because, that is kinda usually the case.

2 cats with cream faces

(For Kazza and Brett.)

I’m puffed up by loving you
Making you laugh, knowing I put that laughter inside you.
Making you smile, like seeing sunlight appear, and knowing,
that this small insignificant me, somehow knew how to welcome the sun.
You ruin me for other men, because knowing I have the power to love you right,
means that I must be something valuable, but also valued.
You make me shine.
You make me glow.
Your love turns this simple girl into a goddess.
Wherever I walk is paved in gold.
If I am a work of art,
it is because you recognized the worth in my crafting,
the way hardship shaped me.
The way you hold me, tells me
I am more than just a statue.
I was wrought by life, into something strong and beautiful,
but it was seeing how my love affected you
that truly made me aware,
that I am exquisite.
It is in loving you, that I find my vanity.
My greatest joy, is in knowing your heart is home within the proximity of my own and that, with each threading of my needle,
my heart sews us closer together.
Ah, yes! I am proud of this.
I am too pleased with my own ability to love you better than you have ever been loved.
Within the simplicity that is my love, is a small and heartfelt smugness that you pin in place alongside your own.
We are two cats with cream faces and I, would change nothing.

(A tribute to a couple of cool cats)

Update: Kazza’s reaction to the poem. I think she liked it. 😎


Dear Trans kid,

I wrote this letter to my son, but I think there are kids out there who never get to hear this and maybe, need to. So, I’m posting it.

All kids are my kids. It’s just the way I am built. I’d take all kids as mine if it were allowed. I am, at the core of myself, in love with kids. I find them wonderfully filled with possibilities for growth and expansion. They are, and will always be, the reason I love being alive.

So, if you are a trans-kid and feel a bit lost, maybe let this letter fill your heart-space with the love of a mom that loves you, even if I’m not the mom or dad you have been given, maybe..for this moment, I can be the mom or dad you need. I’m happy to fill that need for you. Major hugs! ❤

Dear Transkid, thank you for being trans. Thank you for teaching me how to listen and learn and love as a mom using her heart to see you, who is just wanting to be yourself, the real you, accepted and loved as the you that you really are inside.

Thank you for being patient with me. Correcting my misconceptions and challenging my views. Thank you for making me a more aware and educated person. Thank you for making me stretch to meet you. Thank you for teaching me what brave looks like. Thank you for giving me reasons to stand up instead of stay silent. Thank you for leading the way.

I know it isn’t always easy. I know sometimes it’s scary and you feel alone. Thank you, for being an amazing person who continues to be a force for good in this world.

Thank you. Thank you for being Trans. Because of you, I know how strong my love is and, how much there is to love about you. You make me more than I knew I could be. For you, I am growing into a stronger person. Because of you I am learning that I have a limitless capacity for love. Oh! Thank you for that! Thank you!

I have always supported LGBTQ communities, but you help me learn what those letters stand for. What true bravery looks like. So, thank you. You are something truly wondrous to me. I love you.
I love you as yourself and always will. Press these words to your forehead, insert them into your spine. Brand them into the fabric of your soul, so in moments that feel rife with pain and conflict you know, without a shade of doubt, that you are loved. You wondrously glorious person, you are loved. Soo..soo loved. Never give up. I am with you. Always.

Love, Mom


Bedtime quote:

Life is perhaps, after all, simply this thing and then the next. We are all of us improvising. We find a careful balance only to discover that gravity or stasis or love or dismay or illness or some other force suddenly tows us in an unexpected direction. We wake up to find that we have changed abruptly in a way that is peculiar and inexplicable. We are constantly adjusting, making it up, feeling our way forward, figuring out how to be and where to go next. We work it out, how to be happy, but sooner or later comes a change-sometimes something small, sometimes everything at once- and we have to start over again, feeling our way back to a provisional state of contentment.

Anne Giaconsta
I forgot that my best moments come from just letting what is, simply become what it is wanting to become. I don’t create happiness, I just let happiness create itself inside me.