A Soft Place to Rest

I keep waiting for a sign that I’m not completely insane. Sigh* maybe I should ask for a sign that I am.

The memorial went well and I got to see family members I haven’t seen in a year or more. It was a lot of running around and getting up extremely early all 3 days, so you better believe I am already lying on my bed like a full-grown slug-monster even though I’ve only been home 5 minutes. It can’t last though, I need groceries..lol.

In case you wondered, everyone obeyed careful social distancing and we kept our groupings to 10 or less people at a time, even though you can technically have 50 people at an outdoor gathering, we did everything really carefully because of the older visitors and mourners.

Everyone did wear masks, though it might not seem like it in the photographs we took, mostly because those who live with each other didn’t bother wearing masks with their own family members. I, myself, as the photographer wore my mask almost the entire time.

I’ll write more after I actually have food shopping done.

B

Today something wildly funny happened at work. It was soo strange you might think I’m exaggerating but, I promise you! It really happened.

First, I must explain that the side doors we use to load carts into the entryway are kinda like garage doors only huge. People are always seeing these doors and deciding that they are the perfect place to put a cart they don’t want to take all the way to the cart corral ( like 20 extra steps away..how exhausting!) It often blocks the area we need clear to spray sanitize and load the carts in, but the customer doesn’t really care about that.. It’s all about saving themselves a trip to the cart corral.

The problem is that the loading doors sit on an incline and, quite honestly! We have no end of problems on windy days, keeping the carts from flying off the incline and into the parked cars at the bottom. We’ve had about 3-4 incidents already this year. Don’t ask me, I have no idea why the idiots built our store this way. Personally, I think it’s because leveling out the land was too expensive when they built the lot. Just sayin.

Since the customer is responsible for leaving the cart that way, and not the cart attendant, we usually don’t get blamed for these “incidents” that occur but, the painful part is having to wait for management to look at the camera feeds to confirm it wasn’t you.

So, you can imagine my panic when I turned my back for a few minutes to accept condolences from a former co-worker (for the loss of my brother last month) only to turn back and realize that #1 someone parked their cart while my back was turned (he was just walking back to his car when the “incident” happened and #2 he either really parked it badly or the wind caught it and sent it flying. Either way, the cart was already in motion!

That’s when the weirdness happened! The wind caught that rolling cart and twirled it 360° and set it off straight down the other side of the incline and right into the shocked embrace of…the guy who’d left it there in the first place!

It was hilarious! The cart literally moved like it was being remotely controlled. It actually did a 360° turn mid-downhill roll. It brought to mind falling leaves and the way they twirl in the air as they fall. The customer wasn’t as amused as I was.

Apparently, having a cart you left (because you are too lazy to put it away properly) return to you of its own volition, is not amusing. Personally, I laughed my ass off!

Just discovered this song..wow! Those are some pipes!!

Stole this cool quote from my friend M. Ram Dass is a personal favorite of mine.

I want to win the lottery just so that I can throw a vampire party every year with everyone fitted with custom-made costumes that they have done for them by a team of designers I pay to design the costume that my guests consult with them to create in secret and, of which, is only revealed on the night of the “Big do”.

How cool would that be? Imagine the vibe in the air during the weeks leading up to the event. Each person deeply invested in perfecting their own vision of the kind of vampire they would want to be if someone else were footing the bill.

I’d plan an amazing party with a completely authentic feeling of being legitimate. No cliche food or sarcastic decor, actual proper elegance and glamour. I’d hire a league of photographers to photo every second and send every single participant a photo album from the event. Just imagine the take-home party favors.

What? It would be tons of fun!! Maybe even expand and do a bunch of different parties a year all with different themes or historic time periods. Like a Sherlock Holmes theme, Dragon theme, or Emperor of China theme. I’d be onboard for a “Favorite Book character” or “Favorite Superhero” night. The ideas are endless. Sigh* Gotta win the lottery first. Then, we plot!!!

There is a secret about trauma that some people don’t understand. There are a few souls who suffer such deep trauma, such extreme pain, that they go completely numb. This numbness isolates them, protects them, and as a horrible side effect, makes them quite certain that they don’t feel love like others do.

You see they feel cold and a bit disconnected from people. At their deepest heart they think themselves incapable of loving someone. They think they are broken and unable to feel anything properly. But, the truth is..it’s all a lie. This belief that they can’t love is built from fear. Far from feeling too little, they feel soo deeply and soo strongly, that the trauma drove that deep love into the pit of fear that keeps them disconnected from themselves.

The answer is, of course, healing. Things that heal slowly warm up slowly. What was too hard comes closer and closer. Bit by bit the soul prepares them for the next step and then the next step after that until, quite without realizing it, the person who feels they cannot feel love..is forced to frantically cover the thaw that is overtaking them.

It’s terrifying for them but, also, and most importantly, extremely vital to their healing. They must continue. They must not give in.

Trauma takes feeling and numbs it, but eventually the day does come when the sun appears and refuses to leave them that way.

I call it “The Great Warming” it is both equally frightening and oddly beautiful to behold. Watching someone heal is always quite this way.

Don’t give up. Don’t ever give up. You are worth the effort. The love waiting for you is deep, abiding and true.

Don’t give up. You deserve your happy ending…or as I like to call it..happy beginning.

This is totally me-ish:

KR, If I were given the option, I’d choose you every time.

The me everyone thinks I am:

Vs. The me I actually am:

I don’t invest my time and effort in people who don’t matter a great deal to me. I whinge and moan about people. I weep and sigh over people. I plot and plan over people. If I, in any way, mention a person. Be assured I care, very very much, about them. I treat those I don’t like very differently. In fact, I treat them like they don’t even exist.

So..know this, if I speak about you..by name, virtue, or nickname, you are someone I have let into the tiny and very exclusive location near my actual heart thingy.

When I love people, they will always, most definitely, be aware of it. It’s quite simple really, if I notice you it’s because I love you.

My love language is in words and gestures of great emotional import.

My list is small but my love, that spans oceans.

You ever notice that people keep track of things they WANT to do, but never stuff they have EXPERENCED and wished they hadn’t? Like, they create these bucket lists of things they want to do before they die, but never give themselves respect for all the stuff they have LIVED through.

I call it the SUCK LIST.

Here’s some of mine:

• Alcoholic Parents
• Dyslexia
• Parental Divorce
• Foot/leg operations (2)
• Stitches (22) left thigh (Step-father)
• Physical abuse
• Sexual assault
• Poverty
• Gallbladder attacks
• Gallbladder removal
• Childbirth (though celebratory still very painful and thus counts as suck)
• C-section
• Infidelity (not mine)
• Divorce
• Separation from child (sigh*)
• Sexual Harassment
• Less than ideal living circumstances.
• Broken heart
• Fibromyalgia
• Joint Arthritis
• Loss (Step-mother, Father, Grandmother, Grandfather, Brother)
• Life

TBH my list is rather manageable compared to the Suck list of others. I’ve not experienced oppression or persecution due to my skin color, race, culture or sexual inclination. I know my privilege and I don’t consider my list better or worse than anyone else’s, actually I’m quite lucky. I call it the SUCK list but, it’s a list of things I have overcome. I’d like to think the things I’ve overcome are like scars or tattoos now, mine to memorize and share.