Mood Meter

Funny story, I was once riding the bus home from work and these college girls got on. They had bought a bunch of groceries. The one pulled out a container of salt and was reading the ingredients on the back. She gasped suddenly, capturing my attention. “Oh my Gosh!” she said tilting the container toward her friend “There’s soo much sodium in this!” I waited and waited for her to be kidding…she wasn’t. Her friend responded with similar dismayed peering at the label. I turned back to my book wondering if she was going to do well in college courses.

Battle of Wills

My cat doesn’t like that I’m in charge. He wants to be in charge. In fact, he tries to be in charge..the problem is, he who controls the food, controls the world! If my cat ever figures out how to open a can or turn on a faucet (the turning type) I’m in deep doo-doo!

See, I bought Eggy a water fountain some months ago and he absolutely loved it! Loved it! The problem is, they stopped selling the filters for it. Apparently, that model had been around for quite some time.

Well, the damn thing eventually broke due to the fact its filter was no longer filtering. My attempt to use a Brita pitcher with filtered water…failed. (hangs head in shame)

That’s when it happened! Eggy started drinking from the bathroom sink. At first, it was fine..I was already in there, after all, when he requested it! Cue, to him waking me up at 2 am yowling a month later. Omfg!!

So, like a good owner who wants some fucking sleep, I went finally and bought a new fountain. Only, as I mentioned, they don’t sell his old one anymore! They have one that’s grey and square and that I actually like better because, the water pan is accessible on the outside of the unit and if the lights go out, for any reason, he can still drink from it! The old one housed the water inside in the unit and only filtered the water into a tiny tray that stopped holding water if the unit shut off! So, I thought, problem solved! I even bought 6 months worth of filters, just in case.

Only thing is, Eggy hates it. Refuses to use it! Looks at it in disgust! Trots off to the bathroom where he demands the taps be turned on.

Which, is where the Battle of Wills came in. Refusal meets stubborn owner. It’s been going on for two weeks and today… finally (after days of me quietly praying my cat doesn’t die of dehydration) he gave in and used the fountain.

I have never been soo relieved in my life.

Get a cat, they said. It will make you happy, they said. They skipped mentioning the complete feeling of being a parent again. Oy!!

I’m gonna go throw up now!

I was unaware of how extremely worried I was about the way that I do my astrology interpretations. See, I use intuition and psychology to focus on in- depth connection between aspects and how they interact or build on one another. Because of this, I often find myself leaping into the blank spaces between two aspects and just intuitively discerning what might become less or more important as a result of this interaction of aspects.

Now, I’m not an expert by any means. Much of this stuff is me using psychology and my understanding of the human psyche. Being an intuative obviously helps too.

So, a lot of the time I think over what I’m going to write weeks and weeks in advance. I read my notes until I’m cross-eyed. But, apparently I also have a secret fear that’s been hiding in my gut, that someday a “real” expert will see my work and call me a dork or idiot. Apparently, it’s something I’ve dreaded…a lot.. because I just got this comment on my Astrology blog and, mixed in with my extremely chuffed feelings of joy..is also a feeling like I’ve been validated for something I was terrified of going in the opposite direction.. I’m soo relieved that I’m not considered a complete fuck-up at this…that I feel like I want to throw up!

That’s normal right?

ps. I am totally and completely surprised and elated…now I’m gonna go throw up!

B.

Daily Vibe

Recently heard this song and I kinda love it.

I couldn’t see it coming Dear
You hit me like a train
Stopped in the tracks
No turning back, I feel insane
I’ve been a mess since you were here
Singing outside in the rain
You have me beat
I am complete when you are here
Nobody knows how I feel
Loving is easier said
Holding to things that aren’t real
Scared that you’re just in my head
Oh when you stand so close to me
I finally understand
Love is a thing we’re meant to need
All in our hands
Love is a thing we’re meant to need
All in our hands

Revisiting an old post

How to build a wall
by Bekki B.
November 2015

(This post is a metaphor for building a life for yourself. I am explaining that because for some reason, it’s terribly important to me that people understand what I’m trying to say here. I wrote it in 2015, when I first started struggling to define what my new life was going to be like.) Ok, here goes! (And yes, after reading it after all these years, I am crying…I am always shocked by my own thoughts when they come back around because, time has added to the experience. Proud of myself? Yes, I am. I am still building.)

You always hear about building walls in the negative. “She’s got such a wall around her, no one’s gonna wanna climb that!”

Lately though, I have been thinking about wall building in a different context. The emotional, and physical wall building you do, when your world has smashed to bits, and left you no choice but to cry or build. Even if you choose the cry option, at first, you generally get around to the wall building.

You start out completely clueless, especially if your ass had people, in the past, building that shit for you, life just has a way of arranging these lessons, so don’t be surprised, if eventually (if you are really lucky) life forces you to build a wall all by yourself, clueless to how the hell to begin.

Now, if you are young, you start out cocky,(who doesn’t know how to build a damn wall?) you think, and start right in stacking. Only, something kinda goes wonky, and the walls start kinda sagging. The bricks keep working loose and some, fall the fuck out!

This. This is a bit harder than you realized, ain’t it? So, after you toss a tantrum (or as my friends in England refer to it, do the dying fly) You get a bit wiser. You start paying attention, because crap! You need a wall.

You start reading, asking questions, trying small tests. Your patience is tested again,and again. You have mishaps and fucked up moments where you realize your morter was a smidge off in the ingredients area. You ask more questions. You cry, and bleed, on those damn bricks.

Then, something happens. Your first line of bricks stay put. They don’t crumble. The morter holds. The wall doesn’t fall over. You stack it like your new BFF’s ( aka the morter guys) you just met, instructed you to do. Your masterpiece isn’t as pretty as theirs, but it held! It looks like what it is! A firm start.

Then, something even cooler happens. You notice walls everywhere you go. They had always been there, you just notice them now. Cause, you are building one. You notice the designs and flourishes. You marvel at the techniques. You ask more questions, but not because you have to this time, but because you want to try some of this stuff. You have a perfectly good wall, but now you want the best for your wall. You want your wall to be a showstopper!

You try stuff, learn, adjust, try again. You even find yourself tearing out sections and starting over, because you got an idea about how to make it even better. You start to realize you can make this wall anything you want. It is yours. Your hard work. Your wall. You are no longer in a hurry to get done, you know you can do it, and now, now you want something better. Something not just strong and sustainable, but pretty, interesting, and dare I say it..Inspiring.

You finally finish that wall. You’re proud, but kinda sad. Your work is done. You know you can build a new wall, but…this was your first, your finest, the one with all your scariest moments in it. You pat it and turn to go do more walls.

Then, maybe something terrible happens one day. Something happens and your wall gets smashed again, like so long ago. Only, this break, it’s bad. Really bad. It’s nothing like that first wall break. This one levels your strong wall, that you built, so, it hurts a bit more, because the first wall was not even as strong as this new one. This has gotta hurt.

Except. The defeated person, everyone expects, isn’t standing there, shoulders slumped, broken and in massive pain. You are hurting, yes, but your eyes are steely. You are standing looking over the damage and even have a bit of a muttering conversation going on, as you consider that wall and the damage wrought upon it.

They come over to you, a bit concerned, have you finally lost it? Are you in shock? Unaware of the devastation?

You smile softly, and answer honestly. “Once, this would have destroyed me. It would have broken me. but, I woke up this morning, and realized something very interesting.”

They ask, eagerly, it almost seems as if they are desperate to understand your secret. What was it you discovered that brought such a change to you?

You answer. “I woke up this morning and realized, that I know how to build a wall. I am not the person I once was, because I know how to make my wall from start to finish. I know how I want my wall to be, I can even make it better, add new inspiration into the mix. I am not afraid. I am excited.

“This is my wall, and I am the builder.”

Design Likes of the Week vol 2

Ok, I’ll just mention that this design idea isn’t one I’d use in my own home but, it’s too cool as a focal piece not to adore! It’s incredibly cool. It’s got a mood to it, and I can totally respect that! With the chairs parked next to a stand that is slightly unorthodox in style, it just works beautifully to make a cozy feeling. If they’d used any other side table, it wouldn’t have worked, but the round design reflects the round feeling of the clock piece perfectly.

Brilliant!! The color pops! What a fun kitchen! The windows bring in the light and the beams give that feeling of being part of the natural surroundings outside those windows. I admit it! I have a fucking obsession with beams! I love them to distraction!! Give me a brick feature wall and lots of wooden beams and I am in heaven!

I love every damned thing about this one! From the grey-washed wood, the stacked pottery, to those two quirky-assed chairs! And there is a white brick wall back there! Oh, baby! (It might just be my personal preference but, I’d have not painted the brick at all. I like the natural look of brick way better!)

We already established I have a fondness for these tile walls in small doses, this one pairs perfectly with the plants and floating wood shelving. Yes, please! To be honest though, I’d have gotten fancy with my stove and countertops with a bit more color. Maybe some bright patterned tea towels or a trivot made of sea-glass. The stove falls a bit flat after all that color green. Stick a magnet hook to the side and add a colorful towel and that’s got it!

I left my absolute favorite until last! Look at it! Just, look at it! Perfection! ❤️ Cozy coffee table (mine would be less books and more decor items like wooden bowls and ceramics but that’s ok!) The colorful bookshelves are absolutely 100% perfect! Love them! Love, love, love them! They mirror the door and head-jam design to great effect! I love the beaten leather chairs but, could probably do without the boring sofa with equally boring pillows! I’d have added some quicky things to reflect the colors of the shelves. I get that they chose the pillow to match the picture against the wall but, if I’m honest, the picture isn’t really eye-catching or memorable. It’s kinda lost in the lighting of the room. I’d have gone with a black & white image and a few pillows with pops of yellow and red in the sofa. Still, I love this a lot!

New Decor Find

I’m kinda chuffed! I saw this piece in the window and fell in love! Just like when I fell “ass-over-teakettle” for my bamboo lamp, I couldn’t stop thinking about it, soo after I got finished purchasing my monthly bus pass, I stopped in the thrift store and bought it! I also bought a few votive holders which are, absolutely gorgeous, as well! I added the pumpkin I bought from T.J.Maxx on Saturday and voila’ I have increased my decor! Honestly, this apartment has become 100% my serenity.

You aren’t allowed to hate it! I fucking adore it!
Here’s a shot without the flash so you can see the detail of the blossoming tree!
These votives are imperfect but, I like imperfect things!

My brain spit out a quote in a dream.

Revisiting my old dream posts when I came back across this quote that was literally on my mind as I woke from a dream. It still puzzles the hell out of me. I wrote it down immediately upon waking because, as you can clearly see, it isn’t something you would remember the exact wording of with any real certainty. Lucky for me, I did get it down before I forgot it! Thing is, it’s freaking weird to have this particular sentence come from my own head. What am I, a mid- century poet?

“Thy visage runs counterpoint to thy soul, which doth know, more fully,that heart, that speaks more finely, of the warmth of thee and thy perpetuity.”

Let’s break this down.

I think of Visage as a person’s face but, in researching I learned it also means “that which is upon the surface”. So, I’m imagining it means my outer appearance. My outer appearance runs counterpoint to my soul. Counterpoint is an opposite or contrast..therefore, this must mean that my outer appearance is a contrast to my soul..or as I have interpreted it, my outer appearance fools people because there is more going in than they might imagine just looking at me. Seems legit.

“which doth know, more fully, that heart that speaks more finely, of the warmth of thee”

a direct reference to my poetry and writing I believe. Which, probably, isn’t something people know about me and wouldn’t guess just looking at my face or outer appearance. I’m not what you expect when you first meet me, to be honest. I’m kinda thinking this dream quote is complimenting me in many ways, for having a hidden quality people can’t guess at.

the warmth of thee and thy perpetuity.”

perpetuity means “a state of lasting forever.”

So, in conclusion..I think this quote is saying that when looked at outwardly others might miss the beauty that exists within me, but that this beautiful part of me will exist in my writing and my poetry long after I die. Beautiful.

I don’t really mind..I know what exists inside me..and that is quite good enough for me. Once upon a time, I might have railed against the unfairness of not truly being known but, as I’ve grown older.. I’ve learned it really doesn’t matter how others view me, it’s how I view myself that makes a difference.

My imaginary friend

When I was a kid, I had an imaginary friend. My imaginary friend wasn’t/isn’t like other imaginary friends. Mine only ever showed up when I slept. I dreamt of him, and when I was awake, I talked about him incessantly..which is probably why my mom assumed he was just an imaginary playmate I entertained myself with as I played during the day.

I’m not sure when I realized that Alex (I gave him the name Alex) wasn’t real and that other kids didn’t also have a person they played with in dream but, I do know I stopped talking about him to people once it became clear it wasn’t “normal”.

After I started school I dreamt of Alex a lot less. In fact, I forgot him to a great extent…dreams tend to lose their details after you wake soo, that kinda makes sense. I didn’t forget about Alex though, not once. I knew he existed and that gave me comfort.

Over the years I dreamt of Alex whenever my life was hard.. sometimes it was very very hard!

I didn’t connect Alex to a real person until I was in my 30’s..yup, still dreamt of him! He’d gotten older gradually in my dreams until, one day, I recognized him. That was, interesting…(if by interesting you mean mind- bendingly freaky) I knew it was Alex..but, I also knew that Alex wasn’t his real name. I knew his real name because I recognized Alex. This is where the freaky part came in. It was totally mind-boggling!

Anyway, these days he doesn’t come that much. I’m very happy soo maybe that’s why? He arrives the most often when I am sad or struggling. (I have chronicled some of my dreams on my Weird Dreams page if you are interested in dreams)

I’m not sure why I’m writing this post. Maybe just to leave a memory on paper about this person I call my friend. He’s been with me a very very long time.

The Bike Dream

Omg! I haven’t dreamt of my old friend in a very very long time. I missed him very much. This was awesome!

This dream was kinda hilarious. The details are fading but, I was surrounded by little boys who I tended to like they were my own. It was clear in the dream they weren’t mine, but I sounded so much like a mom it makes me smile. I’m pretty sure that’s how I sometimes sound dealing with my cart guys. I wish having more kids was in my future, I’d wish for boys.😁 Multiple boys. Something about a bunch of rowdy boys that just amuses and delights me greatly. I had no way of knowing this but, I think I’d be an excellent “boy mom”.

A, showed up as a guest at wherever the heck I worked. Dreams are always soo vague with the details. Think it was a hotel.

A, was there as himself soo, I was a freaking spaz- idiot as per usual. I grew up dreaming about him but, for some reason, as an adult him, I get extremely nervous in dream interacting. He grew up to be cute, what can I say!

He decided to go for a bike ride. This, upon waking, has me belly-laughing, because he probably meant “motorcycle”..but my dumb dream brain translated it to “bicycle”. He needed proper clothing (long-sleeved shirt) and we spent an extremely boring amount of time searching for one. Tons of boxes laid out like a yard sale that had ended. Huh?! Ok. I pointed to the box I discovered had shirts, not sure how I knew it was that one, as it was at the other end from the ones I was looking through, also, of I knew, why the hell was I searching the ones I was searching? Meh!

A, found a black T-shirt he liked, I rolled my eyes even in dream over that…OF COURSE IT HAD TO BE BLACK! (head smack) he never changes in some ways!

In my dorky brain I was trying to decide if he was planning on going solo on this ride or if it was possible for me to cleverly pretend I had thought it was an invitation! I can’t help but laugh at dream me.. she’s plotting like a lovesick doof and I adore her!

She/I then decided should probably go pee before he leaves, because how embarrassing would it be to go on a bike ride and have to pee halfway.

Sidenote: This dream marks the very first time I called A by his nickname. My tiny heart exploded with that upon waking. It’s the little things dude! It also made me realize why I gave him that nickname in rl, I think I unconsciously still think of him as Alex (the name I gave him as a kid) and shortened his real name to retain that sense of him. Interesting.

Anyway, looking for privacy to pee in a house of little boys isn’t really a possibility. They had 0 respect for my being a girl. I finally had to yell at them to shut my stall door and leave so I could pee. I didn’t even get mad that I was pants down on the potty yelling at 3 and 4 year olds. Lololol

Sadly, I woke up…so I never got to find out A’s reaction to the “bike” he was about to go on a ride with. Hee hee hee hee.